Son You Need A Job

Son You Need A Job

Our son is 16, a junior in high school, and I think it's time he gets a part-time job, to learn responsibility, self-reliance, and the value of money. And while my husband and I agree, the process to get him there is more about me than it is about him.

Background

My son turned 16 last June and got his driver’s license that August. He played football and because of practice twice a day, and football camps, getting a summer job at that time was not feasible. After he suffered his second concussion, football was over for him.  Naturally, I thought after he recuperated he would be "hitting the pavement" to find a part-time job. I would tell him, “I saw a sign (at so and so place) that they are hiring," or "Have you put an application in (at this and that place)? I think I saw some new faces." I'm thinking, come on son you need to get a job.

You see, as his mother I was worried. He's 16, I have one more year with him and I need to get him prepared to start standing on his own two feet. The real truth is I see him, being a little aimless, and I wonder inside quietly, will he be the person that God has determined he will be? I ask my husband in exasperation, what are we going to do about our son? I just don't understand.

For me it's hard to understand why he doesn't have a part-time job, a side hustle to have some money in his pocket, like mowing yards or shoveling snow. I am also concerned because I don't see that he has a viable plan for after high school. It's so foreign to me, because by the age of thirteen I knew what I wanted to become, what I planned to study in college, and had a summer job. By 16 I had savings, an after school job, and still had my summer job. As a senior in high school I paid my own expenses, had visited several schools, and had obtained scholarships to help pay for my education. I took classes in high school, joined clubs and participated in activities that would prepare me for the future. I was a type A personality, on maximum drive full steam ahead.

Insight

My frustration with our son, I am finding is affecting my conversation with my husband. I pray and pray, “God help our son to be the person you have created him to be,” but when I speak to my husband I am saying, "why aren't you making him do this or that?" My fear is that this lack of motivation is a glimpse of what is to come, an unmotivated child becomes an unmotivated adult. I often worry about where my son would be should something happen to my husband and I? So my fear for him has begun to consume me.

My son is a very laid back guy, who is not easily ruffled. He does things in his own timeframe and you cannot push him into doing something he does not want to do. This is a great attribute because he does not succumb to peer pressure, but as a take charge ‘do what I say’ mom, you can imagine my frustration. He is so much like my husband in that way; I run around high strung, a mile a minute, while my husband takes one task at a time until it's all done. I want to see actual progress, where he says, “if we do what we are suppose to do, all will be as it is suppose to be.”

My husband and I are two completely different people and our son is an interesting mix of us both. In realizing that my way is not working, I am trying harder to get myself out of the way and let God and my husband help mold him into the man he is suppose to be. My husband tells me that I have to let go of the reigns and let God guide him, and I can honestly say that it is the hardest thing to do. As we were at an all night prayer service, Proverbs 19:20-21 was a scripture provided for us to meditate on "Hear counsel, receive instruction, and accept correction, that you may be wise in the time to come. Many plans are in a man's mind, but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will stand." (AMP). Ouch, are my worries more about my plan for his life than God's plan for his life?  I had to ask God, “do I really mean not my will or do I mean let Your will be done?”

Victory

As simple as it may seem, I have to start looking at why am I letting this consume me I have always told our son "A man should always have money in his pocket but it should be gained by the work of his own hands." I have never wanted him to be a deadbeat, slothful, or an unaccomplished person. My desire for our son is that financially he will be self sufficient and that he will not suffer. My husband says our son may have to come to the end of himself, and hit rock bottom, before he gets an understanding of what he needs to do to take care of himself. Oh Lord, can I sit there and see that happen and not intervene?

I want our son to have a healthy relationship with work, and money, so he can take care of himself and his family. In my mind, that equates with being financially comfortable.  At the prayer service however, someone spoke on how we all want a life of comfort while here on earth, and we want to enjoy all of the financial blessings that comfort brings, but that is not what God promised us. In Hebrews 12:1-2 God says don't get tripped up by the baggage or sin of this world, "So then let’s also run the race that is laid out in front of us, since we have such a great cloud of witnesses surrounding us. Let’s throw off any extra baggage, get rid of the sin that trips us up, and fix our eyes on Jesus, faith’s pioneer and perfecter. He endured the cross, ignoring the shame, for the sake of the joy that was laid out in front of him, and sat down at the right side of God’s throne" (CEB). As his mother I am trying to bypass God in the perfecting of our son so he can walk in the fullness of what God has destined for him.

Humph, I did not like hearing that, but it is true. We as a people of God cannot grow without testing. We cannot realize God is the supplier of all our needs unless we need something. Our son cannot become a man if he is not left on his own to work it out for himself. Sure he's only 16 but next year he will be finished with high school and he is going to have to determine what he is going to do with his life. I cannot do it for him.

My husband tells him, and me too (because I need to hear it), when he gets done with high school he has three choices: 1) College 2) The Military or 3) Get a full time job, whichever of the three he chooses he will be taking care of himself. I hear it and think he cannot take care of himself if he doesn't even have a work ethic. So I am frantic, trying to make sure that I have taught him all the lessons I think he should know before May of 2015 gets here. The truth is we are continually learning and growing with every breath we take and every day we live. We learn so much more from our failures than our successes.

As his mom I want him to succeed and to shield him from failure. I want him to be successful in life, but he has to want it for himself. I say I want him to learn to depend on God but I don't want him to go through the process of getting to a point of dependence on God. How can he ever know God is his redeemer if he's never been redeemed? How can I teach him to stand on his own two feet if I don't push him out into the world and let him see what it means to have to provide for himself?

Success is measured differently for every person. My greatest desire for our son should be for God to be pleased with him. I do believe that without a vision or a plan, a person will fall into despair but the plan should be measured by what God has set forth for that person, not by what we have made up in our own minds. I have to truly let go and let God have rule in this situation, not let my fears for his future frustrate me or my husband. I have to speak in one voice with my husband, to make it clear to our son that he will be responsible for himself. I have to believe that if he has to suffer on his road to being the man he is to be, that's ok, and that God will provide but he has to believe it for himself. So while it's true he needs to get a job, he needs to get a relationship with God and let God direct his path.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for the grace and mercy you give to us. Thank you for every trial you have seen us through. Thank you for the refiner's fire we have endured in the perfecting of our soul. God we are so grateful you do not leave us to die the death we so rightly deserve but you sent your son, dying on the cross under the weight of all our sins. God we are so grateful for the children you have blessed us with, whether they are biological, adoptive or our spiritual children. Lord you know our children can be a weight we carry. We can be consumed with concern for them. We know you have desire that they will know you as their Lord and Savior and we turn them over to you today God. We give them to you Lord to do what you will with them and through them. We know that the walk with you is not always easy and that some will come to know you at an early age and some will have to suffer before they come to know that you are the one true and living God. Father, we plead the blood of Jesus over their lives, that their destiny in you will not be aborted but that they turn themselves fully over to you. Lord we pray for their minds, that they will come to an understanding of who they are in you. We pray for their hearts that their generation will be the one that will not turn from you all the days of their lives. We pray for their souls, that they will not become prey at the devils hand being bold to preach your good news to the nations. We pray for their bodies that they will be pure, uncorrupted until marriage or your return. We know that you can keep them from falling and that your plan for them is greater than any plan we as their parents could ever have for them. Thank you for entrusting them to us and we give them back to you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Separate Does Not Equal Unity

Separate Does Not Equal Unity

I recall there was a time in our marriage that I was so frustrated with our financial condition I would often say to my husband "Ok, you put your money in your own account and I will put mine in my own and we will just see at the end of the month who has money left!" We couldn't agree on the littlest things and it just seemed easier, financially, to just go our separate ways. I had given up the fight and I had just resigned myself to the fact that things were not going to get better. I wonder, if we look at why we really do things separately in marriage, would we understand what our true motivation is? Are we really walking in unity?

Background

When I was growing up, my grandparents and my parents worshiped at separate churches. We didn't know there was any other way; that was just the way we were raised. As kids we would have to choose who we were going to go to church with, missing out on spending time with friends. We hardly ever went out to eat on Sunday as a family, as the two churches often let out at different times. As I got older I noticed that was not the only pattern of being separate that I saw as examples of how to operate in a marriage.


There were separate checking accounts, separate groups of friends, and just that general sense of, “I'm going to share only so much with you, but there are certain areas in my life that you are just not going to have access to.” I thought to myself, “When I grow up and get married, my husband and I are not going to be like that. We are going to share everything, living truly by ‘what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours’.” Does not scripture say in Amos 3:3 "Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?" (MSG)?


Then, within the first three months of our marriage, I quickly realized we did not share the same views on handling money, what friends to hang out with, or even a similar work effort. While my husband was finishing up school, I continued to work out of town and would only come home on the weekends. While home on weekends, I would cook enough food for the week for him so he wouldn't have to spend money eating out. However, while I was away, he would spend money on this and that, including eating out. I guess he didn't like what I cooked, and because I had not budgeted for his spending, our account would become overdrawn. I would then come home fussing and fighting making what should have been three days of wedded newlywed bliss, a war zone.


So in an effort to resolve the conflict, I thought, “Let's just separate our accounts. You have your money to spend as you like, and since I make most of the money, I will pay most of the bills and spend my excess money on what I like.” As you can imagine, this was not the best way to handle this conflict. Sure we didn't fight as much about money, but we also were not walking in unity. What we actually ended up doing, was simply sweeping the problem under the rug, and not being accountable to one another, all while continuing to make bad financial decisions, becoming separate as we went along.

Insight

When my husband finished school we moved to Kansas City. Determined to make a fresh start, we combined our finances and pledged to work together as a team. We, however, hadn't changed our bad habits. We worshipped separately, and we still operated out of selfishness concerning money. We were heading on a path of being married but living separate lives. After about four years of marriage, and having experienced difficulty in conceiving, we were finally expecting! Knowing how I grew up, I was determined not to raise our child the same way. I wanted our family to worship together, and since my husband would not attend any other church other than his home church, that meant I had to worship with him.


Although we were starting to make headway in operating in unity, difficulties with my pregnancy and an order of bed rest caused more financial strain. Then our son was born about a month premature, and our finances took a nose dive. We were at our wits en, and had to make some changes. We were forced to either walk together in unity and fight our way out of this mess or we would destroy ourselves in the process. We couldn’t point the finger at one another, and we couldn’t say to the other, “You fix your mess, and I will fix mine.” We had to say, “Let’s find a way and fix this together.”


We had to become like-minded, and understand that we were in this together, and that the word of God was to be our guide. We knew that the Bible instructs us that wives are to respect their husbands, when their husbands submit themselves to God, and that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. However, in order for that to happen, we must first learn to love each other without doubt or hesitation. Colossians 3:12-17 instructs us "So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." (MSG). Love puts the needs and desires of the other above our own. Love also thinks highly of the other, always believing the best in the other.


For me I had to give up the notion that I knew more than him and that he was trying to bring me down. I had to understand that while we may see things differently, coming from different life experiences, we want to get to the same destination. I had to fight the urge to flee or remove myself when things got difficult. My desire to separate our finances was because: 1) I didn't want to submit, 2) In the back of my mind I feared our relationship would not work and I didn't want a negative financial circumstance to affect me in the future, and 3) I did not believe God could work it out. I saw my husband, and our marriage, as a temporary situation and I didn't want to put the work into understanding our marriage as a lifelong covenant.


We've heard that marriage is a covenant that requires blood to seal it and death to break it, while commitment is a contract that has provisions to mutually end it. The cost of unity is great and requires sacrifice to bring it into being. Unity is not easy; it hurts to be on the same page. To walk in unity means that someone will have to sacrifice their desires, and we don't want to be the one to have to make that sacrifice. This is what I saw growing up. No one wanted to make the sacrifice to walk in unity, so it was easier to be separate living under one roof.

Victory

In my formative years I didn't see people working together in marriage. As we worshiped at the same church together, we had the opportunity to hear the same word being preached from the pulpit. We were then able to receive it in our own hearts and apply it to our marriage. I had not seen that before. The first marriage retreat we attended that our church sponsors every year profoundly changed us. It breathed a new life in us, but more importantly it allowed me to see marriages that were healthy and thriving. These marriages had longevity, and gave me a glimpse of what I could experience in marriage if I just got out of my own way.


Once we got on the same page, our marriage experienced a peace that seemed impossible in those early years. It hasn't always been easy; we have to make conscious decisions to walk in unity daily. We had to give up the notion that we can do better on our own, than together; understanding that we are in it for the long haul. When you see your marriage as permanent, you are less likely to accept a life that is less than what you know it can be. It was easier for me to give up the fight and just say you have your money and I will have mine.


Now we say "no we are not willing to accept anything less than what God has for us." We worship together, we work in ministry together, we handle our finances together, we socialize together and our next journey is to pray and study the word of God together. The word of God says "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20 KJV), and that applies to my marriage. We can come together, in unity, praying and believing God can do anything for us, with us and through us. Together we are strong, unbreakable, and not easily defeated. We have someone who is in the fight together, who has my back, and will intercede on my behalf. Life is easier when you travel the road with someone else, and when you have someone there to share the load with you. There is peace, comfort, and strength in unity and I thank God for it.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for your word that instructs us of your desire for our life and our marriage. We thank you God for our spouse, our grace gift, our helpmate, our companion to share life's journey with. God, we ask that you help us to discard our desire to separate ourselves from our spouse and give us a greater desire for unity in our marriage. Help us put away our selfishness and self-centeredness, and to begin to think more of the other than we do of ourselves. Father, we rebuke the circumstances of our past. We rebuke those things that tell us we can go at it alone, that we do not need our spouse, or that are against us. Help us to not let anything come between us as a couple and help us to walk in unity, and follow the precepts you have outlined for us in your word. Lord we invite you into our hearts and our marriage; we honor your lordship in our lives. We will not look back at what once was but will move forward thanking you for what you have brought us out of and the victory that is before us. Help us in all our decisions to be unified with our spouse and we declare our marriage is a schism free zone. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.