Separate Does Not Equal Unity
I recall there was a time in our marriage that I was so frustrated with our financial condition I would often say to my husband "Ok, you put your money in your own account and I will put mine in my own and we will just see at the end of the month who has money left!" We couldn't agree on the littlest things and it just seemed easier, financially, to just go our separate ways. I had given up the fight and I had just resigned myself to the fact that things were not going to get better. I wonder, if we look at why we really do things separately in marriage, would we understand what our true motivation is? Are we really walking in unity?Background
When I was growing up, my grandparents and my parents worshiped at separate churches. We didn't know there was any other way; that was just the way we were raised. As kids we would have to choose who we were going to go to church with, missing out on spending time with friends. We hardly ever went out to eat on Sunday as a family, as the two churches often let out at different times. As I got older I noticed that was not the only pattern of being separate that I saw as examples of how to operate in a marriage.There were separate checking accounts, separate groups of friends, and just that general sense of, “I'm going to share only so much with you, but there are certain areas in my life that you are just not going to have access to.” I thought to myself, “When I grow up and get married, my husband and I are not going to be like that. We are going to share everything, living truly by ‘what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours’.” Does not scripture say in Amos 3:3 "Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?" (MSG)?
Then, within the first three months of our marriage, I quickly realized we did not share the same views on handling money, what friends to hang out with, or even a similar work effort. While my husband was finishing up school, I continued to work out of town and would only come home on the weekends. While home on weekends, I would cook enough food for the week for him so he wouldn't have to spend money eating out. However, while I was away, he would spend money on this and that, including eating out. I guess he didn't like what I cooked, and because I had not budgeted for his spending, our account would become overdrawn. I would then come home fussing and fighting making what should have been three days of wedded newlywed bliss, a war zone.
So in an effort to resolve the conflict, I thought, “Let's just separate our accounts. You have your money to spend as you like, and since I make most of the money, I will pay most of the bills and spend my excess money on what I like.” As you can imagine, this was not the best way to handle this conflict. Sure we didn't fight as much about money, but we also were not walking in unity. What we actually ended up doing, was simply sweeping the problem under the rug, and not being accountable to one another, all while continuing to make bad financial decisions, becoming separate as we went along.
Insight
When my husband finished school we moved to Kansas City. Determined to make a fresh start, we combined our finances and pledged to work together as a team. We, however, hadn't changed our bad habits. We worshipped separately, and we still operated out of selfishness concerning money. We were heading on a path of being married but living separate lives. After about four years of marriage, and having experienced difficulty in conceiving, we were finally expecting! Knowing how I grew up, I was determined not to raise our child the same way. I wanted our family to worship together, and since my husband would not attend any other church other than his home church, that meant I had to worship with him.Although we were starting to make headway in operating in unity, difficulties with my pregnancy and an order of bed rest caused more financial strain. Then our son was born about a month premature, and our finances took a nose dive. We were at our wits en, and had to make some changes. We were forced to either walk together in unity and fight our way out of this mess or we would destroy ourselves in the process. We couldn’t point the finger at one another, and we couldn’t say to the other, “You fix your mess, and I will fix mine.” We had to say, “Let’s find a way and fix this together.”
We had to become like-minded, and understand that we were in this together, and that the word of God was to be our guide. We knew that the Bible instructs us that wives are to respect their husbands, when their husbands submit themselves to God, and that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. However, in order for that to happen, we must first learn to love each other without doubt or hesitation. Colossians 3:12-17 instructs us "So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." (MSG). Love puts the needs and desires of the other above our own. Love also thinks highly of the other, always believing the best in the other.
For me I had to give up the notion that I knew more than him and that he was trying to bring me down. I had to understand that while we may see things differently, coming from different life experiences, we want to get to the same destination. I had to fight the urge to flee or remove myself when things got difficult. My desire to separate our finances was because: 1) I didn't want to submit, 2) In the back of my mind I feared our relationship would not work and I didn't want a negative financial circumstance to affect me in the future, and 3) I did not believe God could work it out. I saw my husband, and our marriage, as a temporary situation and I didn't want to put the work into understanding our marriage as a lifelong covenant.
We've heard that marriage is a covenant that requires blood to seal it and death to break it, while commitment is a contract that has provisions to mutually end it. The cost of unity is great and requires sacrifice to bring it into being. Unity is not easy; it hurts to be on the same page. To walk in unity means that someone will have to sacrifice their desires, and we don't want to be the one to have to make that sacrifice. This is what I saw growing up. No one wanted to make the sacrifice to walk in unity, so it was easier to be separate living under one roof.
Victory
In my formative years I didn't see people working together in marriage. As we worshiped at the same church together, we had the opportunity to hear the same word being preached from the pulpit. We were then able to receive it in our own hearts and apply it to our marriage. I had not seen that before. The first marriage retreat we attended that our church sponsors every year profoundly changed us. It breathed a new life in us, but more importantly it allowed me to see marriages that were healthy and thriving. These marriages had longevity, and gave me a glimpse of what I could experience in marriage if I just got out of my own way.Once we got on the same page, our marriage experienced a peace that seemed impossible in those early years. It hasn't always been easy; we have to make conscious decisions to walk in unity daily. We had to give up the notion that we can do better on our own, than together; understanding that we are in it for the long haul. When you see your marriage as permanent, you are less likely to accept a life that is less than what you know it can be. It was easier for me to give up the fight and just say you have your money and I will have mine.
Now we say "no we are not willing to accept anything less than what God has for us." We worship together, we work in ministry together, we handle our finances together, we socialize together and our next journey is to pray and study the word of God together. The word of God says "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20 KJV), and that applies to my marriage. We can come together, in unity, praying and believing God can do anything for us, with us and through us. Together we are strong, unbreakable, and not easily defeated. We have someone who is in the fight together, who has my back, and will intercede on my behalf. Life is easier when you travel the road with someone else, and when you have someone there to share the load with you. There is peace, comfort, and strength in unity and I thank God for it.
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