Background
I am four years older than my sister, and the story goes when she was born I announced that she was my baby. I have always felt the need to take care of her, sometimes to my own detriment. My first retail job I spent half of my paycheck buying her clothes, and dressing her up. Let's face it, I thought she was just the cutest. Then when she came to college, she stayed with me. It was my fifth and final year, because it took me an extra year due to my majoring in Political Science and minoring in History. I worked and went to school full time, and although I took out loans so I wouldn't have to work my last year, I had to go back to work because I was paying for rent, food, gas and general upkeep for us both. Shortly afterwards, she had her first child, and I became TeeTee extraordinaire making sure my nephew had his first pictures, cute clothes and shoes, as well as an awesome first birthday.“You need something for your house sister? I will get that for you, no problem, I will buy it and install it for you.” When she got married, “let me make the decorations for the reception.” When things didn't work out with her husband, “let me buy and install locks for you.” Christmas and birthdays, “sister you are a single mom and I know you are getting for your kids so let me make sure you get something as well.” I didn't have an older sister, but isn't that what you are supposed to do?
Now in all my getting and doing for my sister I never asked her, “do you have a budget, where is your savings, how did you contribute to making this situation for yourself?” I just did, and if my husband expressed a concern I had a few choice words for him because that's my sister and you can't tell me what I can or cannot do for my sister. My relationship with her had become dysfunctional and I was making my relationship with my husband dysfunctional as a result.
Insight
I had to come to an understanding that all help is not “help,” and some help is enabling. If in giving help, a person never learns to fix the problem themselves then the help we provide is hurting them. When a person is in need of help habitually, they learn to live in a continual state of need and in order to be delivered, they have to be turned over to God so that He may help them. Psalms 107:17-22 says it like this, "Fools because of their transgression, and because of their iniquities, are afflicted. Their soul abhorreth all manner of meat; and they draw near unto the gates of death. Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he saveth them out of their distresses. He sent His word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. Oh that men would praise the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and declare His works with rejoicing." (KJV) We do them a disservice and begin to resent them for always asking for help.In my case my sister didn't ask for the help, I just jumped in and started problem solving because that is who I am. I then started giving her unwelcomed advice, because I knew best. I treated her like my child and what should have been a loving mutually beneficial relationship, became a dependent relationship. I didn't know any better, and while my husband tried to tell me I just wouldn't listen. She had to be the one to break the cycle because I sure wasn't going to.
She told me one day in a fit of frustration that I wasn't her momma. Wow did that sting! It took several years for me to get over that. I felt like all while I was helping her and not requiring accountability, she was fine taking my help, but when I started giving advice and requiring follow through, all of a sudden I'm trying to be your momma. But that wasn't the case. I had to start seeing her in a different mode and allowing her to make her own mistakes and fix them. Be a sister, someone to listen and encourage, but not be a fixer.
Victory
My sister is a remarkable woman. She is a single mother raising 3 wonderful children. She owns her own home, two cars and is very active in her church. She is self sufficient and more than capable of handling situations that come up in life. She needed to kick me out of her business so I could grow up. We were talking a few weeks back and we were reflecting on a situation she just came through. I was sharing with her I saw some red flags but didn't share with her because I didn't know how far I should go and out of fear of offending I didn't say anything. She told me I should have said something.She wasn't asking me for money or assistance, that was my time to be big sister, and just share with her the concerns that I had. I really missed an opportunity. I still have a ways to go, but eventually I will get there. I am now understanding that all help doesn't have to have a price tag on it, and even if it does, I can and maybe often should just say no. No doesn't mean I don't love you it just means, I am going to step out of the way and let God and you work this thing out. Her depending on God and me getting out of the way, is the best help I could have ever given her and given myself.
