When It's Time To Say No

I like to help others especially those I care about but in a recent conversation with a friend I realize sometimes saying yes hurts more than it helps.

Background

I am four years older than my sister, and the story goes when she was born I announced that she was my baby. I have always felt the need to take care of her, sometimes to my own detriment. My first retail job I spent half of my paycheck buying her clothes, and dressing her up. Let's face it, I thought she was just the cutest. Then when she came to college, she stayed with me. It was my fifth and final year, because it took me an extra year due to my majoring in Political Science and minoring in History. I worked and went to school full time, and although I took out loans so I wouldn't have to work my last year, I had to go back to work because I was paying for rent, food, gas and general upkeep for us both. Shortly afterwards, she had her first child, and I became TeeTee extraordinaire making sure my nephew had his first pictures, cute clothes and shoes, as well as an awesome first birthday.

“You need something for your house sister? I will get that for you, no problem, I will buy it and install it for you.” When she got married, “let me make the decorations for the reception.” When things didn't work out with her husband, “let me buy and install locks for you.” Christmas and birthdays, “sister you are a single mom and I know you are getting for your kids so let me make sure you get something as well.” I didn't have an older sister, but isn't that what you are supposed to do?

Now in all my getting and doing for my sister I never asked her, “do you have a budget, where is your savings, how did you contribute to making this situation for yourself?” I just did, and if my husband expressed a concern I had a few choice words for him because that's my sister and you can't tell me what I can or cannot do for my sister. My relationship with her had become dysfunctional and I was making my relationship with my husband dysfunctional as a result.

Insight

I had to come to an understanding that all help is not “help,” and some help is enabling. If in giving help, a person never learns to fix the problem themselves then the help we provide is hurting them. When a person is in need of help habitually, they learn to live in a continual state of need and in order to be delivered, they have to be turned over to God so that He may help them. Psalms 107:17-22 says it like this, "Fools because of their transgression, and because of their iniquities, are afflicted. Their soul abhorreth all manner of meat; and they draw near unto the gates of death. Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he saveth them out of their distresses. He sent His word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. Oh that men would praise the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and declare His works with rejoicing." (KJV) We do them a disservice and begin to resent them for always asking for help.

In my case my sister didn't ask for the help, I just jumped in and started problem solving because that is who I am. I then started giving her unwelcomed advice, because I knew best. I treated her like my child and what should have been a loving mutually beneficial relationship, became a dependent relationship. I didn't know any better, and while my husband tried to tell me I just wouldn't listen. She had to be the one to break the cycle because I sure wasn't going to.

She told me one day in a fit of frustration that I wasn't her momma. Wow did that sting! It took several years for me to get over that. I felt like all while I was helping her and not requiring accountability, she was fine taking my help, but when I started giving advice and requiring follow through, all of a sudden I'm trying to be your momma. But that wasn't the case. I had to start seeing her in a different mode and allowing her to make her own mistakes and fix them. Be a sister, someone to listen and encourage, but not be a fixer.

Victory

My sister is a remarkable woman. She is a single mother raising 3 wonderful children. She owns her own home, two cars and is very active in her church. She is self sufficient and more than capable of handling situations that come up in life. She needed to kick me out of her business so I could grow up. We were talking a few weeks back and we were reflecting on a situation she just came through. I was sharing with her I saw some red flags but didn't share with her because I didn't know how far I should go and out of fear of offending I didn't say anything. She told me I should have said something.

She wasn't asking me for money or assistance, that was my time to be big sister, and just share with her the concerns that I had. I really missed an opportunity. I still have a ways to go, but eventually I will get there. I am now understanding that all help doesn't have to have a price tag on it, and even if it does, I can and maybe often should just say no. No doesn't mean I don't love you it just means, I am going to step out of the way and let God and you work this thing out. Her depending on God and me getting out of the way, is the best help I could have ever given her and given myself.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for your love that you have shown us this day, even when we have been unlovely. God we ask you today to work in and and through us. Lord help us to examine our motives. Lord let our desire to help others not been motivated by self. Lord help us to not use helping others as a means to control others. Let our love for others be a true love, that helps point others to you and not to exalt ourselves. Father God, help us to be better examples of your love by stepping out of the way so that you can minister to our loved ones in needs. God we give them to you, so that you can work a miracle in their lives. Father we know the greatest gift we can give to those we love is providing a means by which they can have an everlasting relationship with you. God we thank you that you love us so much that you won't give up on us, that you are forever standing, with your arms open wide, waiting for us to run to you. Father we are forever grateful. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

What Did You Just Say

What Did You Just Say

My husband and I don't really fight anymore. Not because we don't disagree but because we have developed some tools over the years that help us disagree, without being disagreeable. Recently however, we had a yelling match over juice that left me asking, "What Did You Just Say?"

Background

In my effort to be healthy and wanting the healing that I know is for me, I started back juicing. Not just for weight loss, or a time of spiritual fasting, but as a way of life, to help my body work as God intended it to; and because I want my family to be healthy. I asked my husband and son if they wanted to juice with me, and both said, “Sure as long as you make it we'll drink it.” For the last couple of weeks, I've been hit and miss with the juicing. I would make it one day, then I wouldn't make it for the next couple of days, then I'd make it again and they wouldn't drink it. So Sunday my hubby and I went to the store, and picked up some items for juicing.  He even picked out strawberries to be included in the juice, and I told him I was going to start back making juice that night.

Well he had an awards program he needed to attend, and my son didn't want any, so I thought I would just make it later for the hubby to drink in the morning on his way to work. Done…that was settled in my head, and I went on about my night. Now mind you, all of the items we bought that afternoon were still on the kitchen counter, and before he left, he asked me about my plans to get the items off the counter because he does not like the kitchen to be a mess.  I had not put anything up, nor had I moved anything around to make it look like I had any immediate plans to juice the items by the time he came home. So when he got there, he started yelling and my reaction was to yell right back.

The yelling match went on for a bit and I began to become indignant, thinking, “How are you going to come home yelling about some juice. You haven't even gotten in the door good; haven’t said hello; haven’t asked me if everything is ok, you just started yelling.” I mean, I said I would do it, but I didn't say when. His point was, “you left the kitchen a mess, I asked you about it before I left, and you're wasting money. How do you know I didn't want to drink one when I came home?” We were both making valid points but we didn't take the other person into consideration.  We really should have watched what we said to each other.

Insight

The issue of me following through with what I say I’m going to do has been an ongoing theme of our recent conversations, of which until a month ago I didn't know was a concern of his. A couple of months ago, I forgot to pay our water bill. I was working on some projects at work and also at church. I was working late, until 7 or 8 o'clock at night, trying to juggle several things at one time and some of my household responsibilities were not being handled. I had the bill in my purse and as I only pay bills once a month, I had overlooked the water bill.  Knowing it needed to be paid I put it in my purse but just forgot about it and didn't pay it.

Our son came home from school and I got the call that something is wrong because we have no water. I was embarrassed, and worried, but immediately called my husband and told him what happened. He didn't yell or accuse me of being irresponsible, we just made a plan to work around the problem and we moved on, or so I thought.  Fast forward a few months and while we were working with a couple concerning their finances, we told the story. I thought we had worked past it but he made a small comment that caused me to pause a bit.

He advised the husband how it is easy to get upset when you come home and dinner is not done yet the wife has been home all day. He told the husband that it’s human nature to say "What have you been doing all day?" He said you just have to put your anger aside and find out what's happening and move on. He was advising him from the scripture in Ephesians 4:31-32. "Put aside all bitterness, losing your temper, anger, shouting, and slander, along with every other evil. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ." (CEB) My mind that night immediately went to "What happened to that great advice you gave that husband, Man of God?" But then I got checked.

A friend was commenting of Facebook how some wives on a TV reality show were foolish women. They were arguing, putting their husbands down, letting jealousy and insecurity take over them and were contributing to scarring their marriage, some to the point of no return. She quoted Proverbs 21:9 "Better to live on the edge of a roof than with a contentious woman in a large house." (CEB) And while I was saying yeah look at them women there aren't they foolish,” God asked me, "Now, how foolish are you?" "Uhhh Lord but he, but he, but he..." I started to say and then I remembered, ‘When you messed up a minute ago Frenchette, your husband showed you compassion but when he gets frustrated, when you know it bothers him for the kitchen to be a mess leaving food out like that, you can't show him grace like he did for you?’

And I have to admit that because I was still mildly annoyed at my husband, two days later, I made the juice but I didn't prepare a to go cup for him like I normally would. I made it, left it in the fridge and didn't think about it until God asked me "What did you say to him? You were so wrong."

Victory

So why the story about our fight? When dealing with your finances in marriage we all have setbacks. We can be making great strides in getting bills paid on time, putting money back in savings and paying off debt and then you hit a bump in the road and all those past hurts and feelings of “we are back in that same ole mess that we were in before,” can resurface. You have to show grace to one another, and understand you will mess up a time or two. No one mistake is worse than the other, you have to find a way to work it out together and not fall back into the blame game.

I focused so much on what he said to me I let my own mouth run amuck and let anger take over. I was so intent on my righteous indignation, that I just looked over the fact that yeah, I messed up. I said I was going to do something and I didn't. I just got the man to buy into drinking this stuff so we can make strides towards being healthier and living longer, he went to the store with me and picked out things he would like, and here I am acting like a fool. I could have potentially stopped him from moving towards a healthier lifestyle.

It's the same with our finances. When our spouses mess up we can be so intent on berating them for the mistakes they make, that we forget that bag of clothes we snuck into the house last week or that pair of shoes we bought that we know we didn't need. We will tear him down and forget we messed up too, like me not paying the water bill. How hurt would I have been if he went ballistic when I told him, “umm yeah, when you get home there won't be any water?” I mean, I already felt bad enough, and his yelling at me would have just made me feel worse.

In dealing with our spouses, we have to show compassion and grace. I love the verses in Proverbs 17:27-28 that says "The one who knows much says little; an understanding person remains calm. Even dunces who keep quiet are thought to be wise; as long as they keep their mouths shut, they’re smart." (MSG) So while I messed up this time and let my anger take over, next time I will speak little and forgive much. 

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for the grace you show us daily. We are grateful that you do not treat us with the same measure we treat our spouses, or with wrath we so deserve for our offenses towards you. You constantly forgive us, showing us new mercies because of your love for us. We thank you that you show us our faults and allow us an opportunity to get it right, with you and with our spouses. God I ask you to bridle my tongue so that I am slow to speak out in anger and that I may be quick to forgive as I have been forgiven. Help me not to focus on what my husband has done, but to look at what I can do to be more compassionate and loving towards him. Let me not hold up his shortcoming, minimizing my wrong doings. Help me to be supportive and encouraging. Help me to speak with more kindness and understanding. Lord you have brought us so far, help me not to be a stumbling block in our continued growth. Lord I rejoice in our victory through you. Thank you for our glorious future. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.