The Power of the Purse

THE POWER OF THE PURSE

We performed a very small unscientific poll concerning money issues in marriage. The results were that the issue that concerned the participants most were who is responsible for managing the money. The next issue that concerned the participants was his spending and tied for third was shopping for yourself and business expenses. I can relate concerning money management, but I wonder if the issue for some is more: Who is best at handling the money as opposed to who should handle the money in the marriage.

Background

Most of the women in my life manage the money for their family, but there are a few whose husbands handle the money. What I have found, including myself is, that all wish it was the opposite. For me, I find that since I handle money as a profession, I really desire that my husband would manage our money. You see for me the management is a tremendous responsibility. I also believe that as a godly home, with my husband being the head of our home, he should lead out in all things. I want him to be the main bread winner, manage the money, help out with household chores and be a pillar in the church as well as the community. I expect a lot from him.

For me it really is about power and responsibility. As the person who has the total responsibility, I feel it necessary to make sure that not only are the bills paid on time, and we have the necessary savings, but also we have money carved out for vacations, entertainment, maintenance and upkeep, college funds and most importantly tithes and offerings at church. Because I know what we do or don't have I feel like I don't have the luxury to splurge on frivolous things for myself. I don't take the responsibility lightly.

As I see things in terms of expenses vs. income, wants vs. needs, necessary vs. unnecessary, I add up the numbers everywhere, with just about everything. It can be a weight, a burden, and at times I feel like I buckle under the pressure. I am often envious of my husband and what I see as a laissez faire attitude about our finances.

Insights

When I talk to my friends and family who manage their family's finances I hear some of the same frustrations. What I came to understand was the underlying feeling that they don't have the support of their spouse. Because of this frustration they want to abdicate the burden to their spouse. However, on the other side, these wives feel like their husbands are not managing the money properly and feel that they could do a better job. While others feel like their husbands treat them like a child doling out the money like a kid waiting for their allowance.

In either circumstance there is something missing: communication. As with all things in marriage, the managing of money should be a partnership. There are no hard and fast rules that say one sex should manage the money over the other. The only rule is whoever is able to better manage the money should. If you are not organized, meticulous, and self-disciplined you should NOT manage the family's money. However, if this is your husband, you have to communicate with him and pray he comes to the same conclusion as you.

Often those who manage the family's money, and may not be doing it well, are reluctant to release that responsibility. There is a power dynamic that comes with this responsibility. This person is in control, knowing where and how much is available, to spend when and where they see fit. For men it can be an ego thing, while for women it's a security thing; I fall in this category. I have to know I'm secure. I like to know that the bills are paid, I have a roof over my head, and my needs are met. By managing the finances, I will know if all is well. If there are areas that need to be strengthened, then I can make a plan to straighten things out. While I say I want my husband to take over, in fact I really don't.

What I really want is for all the weight and the pressure to not be on me. I often think I shouldn't have to work, take care of our son, serve in the church and manage the money as well. Then I think of the Proverbs 31 wife. She did it all, she was a business woman, managed her household, the finances and the children. As wives we are to be helpmates for our husbands. So if I'm to help, then I must do just that. If I'm better at it, and making my living managing money, and have been educated in that field, why shouldn't I?

On the other hand, if he is better at it, as a helpmate I should do everything I can to make it easier on him. Don't fight him for control of the money. Don't act out, if he has a plan to get your family out of debt by raging against cuts to your spending. In the long run you and your entire family will be better for it and you will appreciate it. Whoever is managing the money must be fair, balanced, wise, intentional and not punitive or misleading.

Victory

I remember when we first got married my husband didn't have a checking account so I just added him to mine. He was in school and I worked almost three hours away. I quickly found out that he was not always wise with spending. Soon it became necessary to have two accounts, 1 for him to use during the week, while I was away working, on food and school expenses; and one for the household bills. We did that because when it was one account he would use money without budgeting, then when it was time to pay bills we would be short. Then there would be arguments. We started off all wrong. I did not share with him what bills we had, when they were due, how much I made, or what goals I had for us in the future. All I ever did was say you have this much, only and don't spend any more.

At the same time I was telling him don't, I may come home with something new. It would appear I was saying to him you can do this but I can do that. I had to learn that whoever handles the money must be transparent when it comes to money, often being the one to make sacrifices so the other partner doesn't feel like a child. The moment the relationship is perceived to be a child parent dynamic, it is out of balance and you have to sit down and develop a plan where it becomes equal. We had developed early a child parent dynamic when I was always the one saying no, no, no and he was always the one acting out.

Today we are on the same page and we play to each other's strengths. He is a big picture guy and I'm the small detail girl. It helps us both. Where I might be prone to say no we can't he says let's see if we can. He might say let's do this, it will cost this. I then go back to the budget work on the numbers and say okay maybe we can or no the numbers say we can't. We are equal with a different approach.

Should he handle the day to day tasks? Sometimes it sure would be nice, but I know that's not who he is. What I had to understand is that the true management of our money is by God. This scripture made it clear for me, Proverbs 21:1 "Good leadership is a channel of water controlled by God; he directs it to whatever ends he chooses." (MSG) I am getting sided tracked by the wrong things. It doesn't matter who handles the money, ultimately God manages it all in the end. God made us the way we are so that we can work in tandem with each other's strengths. So we stopped focusing on each other's weaknesses and made it work for our family.

Prayer

God we thank you for this day you have created. This new day where we marvel at all you have made, even ourselves. God, I am in awe of you and how you have made us fitly joined together. Thank you for making us just the way you did. God I am grateful for your working in us and through us to make each other better, iron sharpening iron. Lord let us not focus on where we lack but let us praise where we are strong. Help us to forgive each other’s shortcomings. Let us remember we too have flaws but you have forgiven us for each and every one of them. We thank you for the growth you are developing in us and we praise your name for the finished work. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

The Power Of The Purse - Redux

The Power of the Purse - Redux

We performed a very small unscientific poll concerning money issues in marriage. The results were that the issue that concerned the participants most was who is responsible for managing the money in marriages. I had intended to write a completely difference blog but the Lord but this scripture in my spirit Proverbs 21:1-2 "Good leadership is a channel of water controlled by God; he directs it to whatever ends he chooses. We justify our actions by appearances; God examines our motives."(MSG). So my question is what is the motive behind who manages the finances and what are our motives for wanting to change the status quo?

Background

I wanted to write about who should and who should not manage the money in your family. What my experiences were and the resolution my family came to. But as I was mulling this over we went out of town to attend a marriage retreat this weekend that my church sponsors. I register couples for this event and before we went I received a call from a wife who wanted to cancel their registration.

When we first started talking she was talking about how he this and he that. But as we talked more it became evident that she had decided it wasn't worth going and she was ready to give up. I started sharing with her how my marriage had hit a rough patch a few years ago. We decided to go to counseling but I had only agreed to counseling so I could say I had tried everything while in the back of my mind I had already intended to leave.

You see I had been hurt, very badly by my husband. His story is not for me to share but I can share my reaction. I was angry, hurt, I lost confidence in the love he professed he had for me and I lost confidence in myself. As a wife, a mother, a lover, my whole world view had been turned upside down. I couldn't get passed it. So I withheld everything from him, love, affection, trust, my very being I could no longer give him, any part of me.

What does this have to do with finances? I would venture to guess, everything for some.

Insight

Money is a very emotional issue for a lot of people and therefore it is a very emotional issue in a lot of marriages. For some the control or the management of money in your home is a way to get and/or maintain control in an out of control situation. So my question is why are we concerned with who is or should be handling the finances for our family?

For me I started out managing our finances because I knew what to do. My husband had never managed money before but really it was because I was making the money, I felt I should handle it and I didn't trust him. Then when it appeared early on that his was reckless or so I thought, it just confirmed to me that he couldn't handle it. Then because of bad decisions we both made I wanted him to take over because I didn't want the stress and responsibility when it got too hard.

Those who are not satisfied with their current financial situation will want change, whether you are the one managing the finances or its your spouse. What is your true motivation? Scripture tells us the once who is leading in the area of finance is controlled by God and if God is not leading them then they must examine their motives. Do you want change because you think you can do it better? Do you think your spouse is irresponsible with money? Are things tough and you do not want the responsibility anymore? Have you given up and don't want to stay in the fight? What is the real reason?

Victory

It really doesn't matter who handles you finances if you are both not on the same page, in the fight together and equally willing to make the sacrifices necessary for your family to have financial victory. When I made the decision to stay in the relationship I made the decision to fight for our marriage, to put in the work. I had to let go of past hurts and learn to forgive. Once I learned to forgive then I had to learn to forget. I heard someone say once that forgiveness is forgetting the hurt associated with the pain someone has caused you. It’s not about forgetting the act but not dwelling on the pain, letting it re-injure you over and over again.

It's the same with finances. Having a fresh start, with whoever is managing the finances, is not about remembering the mistakes that were made but working together to not make them and others again. We all make financial mistakes; we've all had financial indiscretions. It's what you determine to do from this point forward that counts. Let God be the leader in your home.

Pray together, share the responsibilities and the decisions. There has to be a point where you no longer operate separately but as a unit. They say in any organization you are only as strong as your weakest link. Don't dwell on the weaknesses but learn to strengthen each other. We learned in our marriage I am good with the details while he is good with the big picture. He sees the vision and I make the plans. I am not a big picture kind of person.

It would be foolish for me to try and walk in something that God has not made me to be. Don't worry about who is responsible for what, that is childish. The question really should be how can I make things better. When you focus on what you can do to make things better you don't get weighed down in trivialities. Let God lead you, worry about yourself and it will get better.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you that you love us so much you sent your son to die on the cross for our sins. You have made a way that we may reconcile ourselves back to you. Thank you that you forgive our sins. We ask you Lord to help us to forgive our spouse and that our spouse will forgive us of our sins. Father help us to get past the pains and hurts that have been visited on us. Let us walk in what God has called us to be and not envy someone else's gifting. Let us be satisfied in the way you have made us, perfecting ourselves so that we represent you well in marriage. Help our marriages be good examples for others to follow. Not for our own glory but for your glory. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen

Is He Trippin?

Is He Trippin?

It's been weighing on me for a little bit, this notion that my husband is really tripping! Very rarely does he make a stand or make absolute statements but when he does my mind really convulses and I wonder is it him or is it me.

Background

Several years ago I had a decent start to retirement savings in my 401(k). Then we bought our first house and needed it, along with a little help from others, to make a down payment. So I cashed it in and that was the end of my retirement fund. It didn't bother me too much until we started paying attention to my husband's retirement fund. You see while I started my own business, working part time as a consultant so I could be available to run around with our son, he was continuing to be wise and prepare for the future.

Then we got a statement from his former employer, his first full time job, and he had a little money that was sitting in a fund. He was supposed to cash it out and we would pay off some bills we had…that was the agreement. A year would go by another statement would come in the mail and he still hadn't cashed it out. He would make another promise to do so and this went on for a few years. Finally seeing that this was not going to happen, I started talking about taking some of our savings, and me starting an investment account as well. We established an amount, but it took a couple more years before that happened.

So last year after we paid off more credit cards, we agreed on an amount we would use to establish an investment account. I waited a little bit for him to come along, researched which company to use, which stocks or funds to invest in and what amounts; but he didn't move. So I took half of what we said we would use and opened the account. I invested in a stock and a fund I had talked with him about and off I went. I showed him what I did, would give him updates on how it was performing and I waited. Waited for him to say let's invest the rest.

When it didn't happen (in the time frame I thought it should,) I then decided I should invest the rest. I researched, made a list of funds/stocks I found interesting, and started watching their performance. When I felt I had enough information, I went to him and said, with a hint of a question in my voice, “I think we should invest the rest here.” He told me no, and that he wanted to do it together because he didn't know what I did the first time! What?

Insights

As we have been fasting with our church and I have been doing an additional period of fasting with a group of women, all these things come up. This has been a seven year process. I would say ordeal but choosing the right words is paramount in all situations. I was sitting down with a lovely woman from our church. Why I brought this whole process up, I have no idea. I was telling her how I was worried about retirement, how he has money set aside and I don't. I told her how we agreed and how I shouldn't be penalized because he was slow to act. How he said he didn't know what I had done but I had told him everything; and how he has money designated through his job, that he didn't consult with me about. He, he, he, he....he's trippin!

In her nice and smiling way, she said I know, I know Frenchette. You see she shared with me that she was going through some of the same struggles but hers were 20 years further in the future than were mine. She shared she had the same concerns about being at retirement age and not having enough income, from her working years, to draw social security because she had worked in the home for so many years. She had some of the same concerns but from a place of maturity she could tell me to stop letting this one issue consume me. It wasn't him it was me. I was trippin!

I told her, as we tried to look at it from his point of view, that my husband always tells me when I say I don't have this or that concerning retirement, that his is not his, its ours. When he says that I think inwardly, probably outwardly, I just roll my eyes. He looks at our futures as joint futures together. So whatever he has we both have. There is no mine or yours. For me I still have some deep seeded issue of not protecting myself just in case. Boy do I still have some growing up to do!

Take Away

I just thank God he sends people into your life to help you make small course corrections. My interaction with my wonderful wise sister in Christ reminds me of these verses "Your job is to speak out on the things that make for solid doctrine. Guide older men into lives of temperance, dignity, and wisdom, into healthy faith, love, and endurance. Guide older women into lives of reverence so they end up as neither gossips nor drunks, but models of goodness. By looking at them, the younger women will know how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don’t want anyone looking down on God’s Message because of their behavior. Also, guide the young men to live disciplined lives." Titus 2:1-6 (MSG). At that very moment, before it grew into something that could drive a wedge between the two of us, God sent her to me so I could get it together.

Will we have a conversation, yes. Will I let it consume me and cause me to start having negative thoughts about and start acting out to my husband, no. I have a new perspective and sometimes that's really all we need. Just over the last two weeks the stock market has been on a roller coaster and is predicted to be that way for some time. There is a very real possibility we could lose that investment. What if we did and I was operating on my own and not as a team? That could put a wedge between us because we are not on one accord.

I will wait until my husband is ready to move. This situation is like when God gives us a tiny view of his plan for us. We sometimes charge ahead before he gives us the go ahead. When we move before he says move we are operating in our own will and not the will of God. My very wise friend showed me this. I so love how even when we are acting out, God sends us someone who can give us the kick in the right direction. My talk with her really showed me it's not about yours or mine but really to see it from his point of view, OURS. I see where his outlook is at our future together. I need to see that his intention is to take care of us. Don't be like me and let your insecurities take over your life and mess up the blessings that God has for you.

Prayer

Heavenly Father we thank you for the people you put in our lives. How you send angels to us to get us back on track, getting us to move in the direction in which we should go. Lord govern our mouths and our minds to not speak against what you would have for us. Lord thank you for the husband you have given me that cares for me and who wants to take care of me. Thank you that he is wanting the best for me and is not easily swayed when I act out of insecurity. Lord I pray for my husband and his leadership in our family. Help me to follow where he leads and give him heavenly insight so that he leads according to your plan. I pray for financial peace and I say, this day, Lord I believe you will provide all that we need in this present moment and in the future to come. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.