Separate Does Not Equal Unity

Separate Does Not Equal Unity

I recall there was a time in our marriage that I was so frustrated with our financial condition I would often say to my husband "Ok, you put your money in your own account and I will put mine in my own and we will just see at the end of the month who has money left!" We couldn't agree on the littlest things and it just seemed easier, financially, to just go our separate ways. I had given up the fight and I had just resigned myself to the fact that things were not going to get better. I wonder, if we look at why we really do things separately in marriage, would we understand what our true motivation is? Are we really walking in unity?

Background

When I was growing up, my grandparents and my parents worshiped at separate churches. We didn't know there was any other way; that was just the way we were raised. As kids we would have to choose who we were going to go to church with, missing out on spending time with friends. We hardly ever went out to eat on Sunday as a family, as the two churches often let out at different times. As I got older I noticed that was not the only pattern of being separate that I saw as examples of how to operate in a marriage.


There were separate checking accounts, separate groups of friends, and just that general sense of, “I'm going to share only so much with you, but there are certain areas in my life that you are just not going to have access to.” I thought to myself, “When I grow up and get married, my husband and I are not going to be like that. We are going to share everything, living truly by ‘what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours’.” Does not scripture say in Amos 3:3 "Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?" (MSG)?


Then, within the first three months of our marriage, I quickly realized we did not share the same views on handling money, what friends to hang out with, or even a similar work effort. While my husband was finishing up school, I continued to work out of town and would only come home on the weekends. While home on weekends, I would cook enough food for the week for him so he wouldn't have to spend money eating out. However, while I was away, he would spend money on this and that, including eating out. I guess he didn't like what I cooked, and because I had not budgeted for his spending, our account would become overdrawn. I would then come home fussing and fighting making what should have been three days of wedded newlywed bliss, a war zone.


So in an effort to resolve the conflict, I thought, “Let's just separate our accounts. You have your money to spend as you like, and since I make most of the money, I will pay most of the bills and spend my excess money on what I like.” As you can imagine, this was not the best way to handle this conflict. Sure we didn't fight as much about money, but we also were not walking in unity. What we actually ended up doing, was simply sweeping the problem under the rug, and not being accountable to one another, all while continuing to make bad financial decisions, becoming separate as we went along.

Insight

When my husband finished school we moved to Kansas City. Determined to make a fresh start, we combined our finances and pledged to work together as a team. We, however, hadn't changed our bad habits. We worshipped separately, and we still operated out of selfishness concerning money. We were heading on a path of being married but living separate lives. After about four years of marriage, and having experienced difficulty in conceiving, we were finally expecting! Knowing how I grew up, I was determined not to raise our child the same way. I wanted our family to worship together, and since my husband would not attend any other church other than his home church, that meant I had to worship with him.


Although we were starting to make headway in operating in unity, difficulties with my pregnancy and an order of bed rest caused more financial strain. Then our son was born about a month premature, and our finances took a nose dive. We were at our wits en, and had to make some changes. We were forced to either walk together in unity and fight our way out of this mess or we would destroy ourselves in the process. We couldn’t point the finger at one another, and we couldn’t say to the other, “You fix your mess, and I will fix mine.” We had to say, “Let’s find a way and fix this together.”


We had to become like-minded, and understand that we were in this together, and that the word of God was to be our guide. We knew that the Bible instructs us that wives are to respect their husbands, when their husbands submit themselves to God, and that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. However, in order for that to happen, we must first learn to love each other without doubt or hesitation. Colossians 3:12-17 instructs us "So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." (MSG). Love puts the needs and desires of the other above our own. Love also thinks highly of the other, always believing the best in the other.


For me I had to give up the notion that I knew more than him and that he was trying to bring me down. I had to understand that while we may see things differently, coming from different life experiences, we want to get to the same destination. I had to fight the urge to flee or remove myself when things got difficult. My desire to separate our finances was because: 1) I didn't want to submit, 2) In the back of my mind I feared our relationship would not work and I didn't want a negative financial circumstance to affect me in the future, and 3) I did not believe God could work it out. I saw my husband, and our marriage, as a temporary situation and I didn't want to put the work into understanding our marriage as a lifelong covenant.


We've heard that marriage is a covenant that requires blood to seal it and death to break it, while commitment is a contract that has provisions to mutually end it. The cost of unity is great and requires sacrifice to bring it into being. Unity is not easy; it hurts to be on the same page. To walk in unity means that someone will have to sacrifice their desires, and we don't want to be the one to have to make that sacrifice. This is what I saw growing up. No one wanted to make the sacrifice to walk in unity, so it was easier to be separate living under one roof.

Victory

In my formative years I didn't see people working together in marriage. As we worshiped at the same church together, we had the opportunity to hear the same word being preached from the pulpit. We were then able to receive it in our own hearts and apply it to our marriage. I had not seen that before. The first marriage retreat we attended that our church sponsors every year profoundly changed us. It breathed a new life in us, but more importantly it allowed me to see marriages that were healthy and thriving. These marriages had longevity, and gave me a glimpse of what I could experience in marriage if I just got out of my own way.


Once we got on the same page, our marriage experienced a peace that seemed impossible in those early years. It hasn't always been easy; we have to make conscious decisions to walk in unity daily. We had to give up the notion that we can do better on our own, than together; understanding that we are in it for the long haul. When you see your marriage as permanent, you are less likely to accept a life that is less than what you know it can be. It was easier for me to give up the fight and just say you have your money and I will have mine.


Now we say "no we are not willing to accept anything less than what God has for us." We worship together, we work in ministry together, we handle our finances together, we socialize together and our next journey is to pray and study the word of God together. The word of God says "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20 KJV), and that applies to my marriage. We can come together, in unity, praying and believing God can do anything for us, with us and through us. Together we are strong, unbreakable, and not easily defeated. We have someone who is in the fight together, who has my back, and will intercede on my behalf. Life is easier when you travel the road with someone else, and when you have someone there to share the load with you. There is peace, comfort, and strength in unity and I thank God for it.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for your word that instructs us of your desire for our life and our marriage. We thank you God for our spouse, our grace gift, our helpmate, our companion to share life's journey with. God, we ask that you help us to discard our desire to separate ourselves from our spouse and give us a greater desire for unity in our marriage. Help us put away our selfishness and self-centeredness, and to begin to think more of the other than we do of ourselves. Father, we rebuke the circumstances of our past. We rebuke those things that tell us we can go at it alone, that we do not need our spouse, or that are against us. Help us to not let anything come between us as a couple and help us to walk in unity, and follow the precepts you have outlined for us in your word. Lord we invite you into our hearts and our marriage; we honor your lordship in our lives. We will not look back at what once was but will move forward thanking you for what you have brought us out of and the victory that is before us. Help us in all our decisions to be unified with our spouse and we declare our marriage is a schism free zone. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

The Seduction Of Inadequacy

The Seduction Of Inadequacy

I was elated when I heard that Lupita Nyong'o had won the Oscar for Supporting Actress for her portrayal of Patsy in 12 Years A Slave. I was so taken with her grace and beauty I started watching video excerpts from the many speeches she had given during the Hollywood Awards season. One speech in particular was during the Essence Seventh Annual Black Women in Hollywood on black beauty. In the speech she spoke of how she did not feel beautiful because of her dark skin. Images around her of black beauty were not of darker skinned women, and she began to feel less than and she used a phrase called "The Seduction of Inadequacy."

Background

That phrase so spoke to me I began to ponder on what areas in my life I had begun to feel inadequate. Whether it was because of someone else's image of me or because I lacked self-esteem, I too have been seduced by feelings of inadequacy. I mean who hasn't faltered, concerning self-esteem, a time or two? It is however when we wallow in self pity, and paralyze ourselves with inactivity, that we let the seduction of inadequacy overtake us.

When I was a Senior in high school I had an opportunity to study abroad in France. I began to let the fear of being so far away from home overtake me. I began to think I was not strong enough, or smart enough to make it through nine months in a foreign land. The lure of giving up because things are too hard took over me and I have at times so easily fallen into accepting less than because I thought I couldn't.

It was not until I really got an understanding of who I was in God, that I began to see myself as something more than what others thought of me; more than what I thought of myself. I had to put this in practice while working for a local business. I had been hired on as an accounting manager, working directing under the VP of finance. The company, in its five year strategy planning, was developing a succession plan. The VP would become the President and I was making a case to be promoted to the VP of Finance. The President looked at me and told me I would never be the VP of Finance and in his opinion, I would not be that for any company. That was like a cheap shot to the gut. I was hurt, dismayed but more importantly, I started to believe he could be right. 

Insight

I'm sure in his mind he was just helping me. In the time I had been with the company they had supported me in several endeavors and had been very kind to me and my family. However, telling me to lower my aspirations, not only with his company but in life in general, was not kind for me. If I had listened to him, and let the seduction of inadequacy take over I would not be the person I am today.

How many of us have let someone else's opinion of us change how we see ourselves? What about looking at our current situation and letting that determine where we will be later in life? How about looking at our current financial mess and saying it will never get better, I can't get myself out of debt, or I can't get a better job? Don't let what you currently see or what you have been through stop you from the future God has destined for you. You were created to be great, the greatest you you can be; you just have to believe it.

In a recent Sunday service our praise and worship team sang a song that really touched the pulpit conductor. He read the following scripture in Ephesians 3:20 "God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." (MSG). It just blessed me so much. God can do it all, anything we could ever imagine, more than we can imagine but He has to have something to work with. God is telling us that anything is possible in Him, we just have to believe it. I have to believe I am more than what people say I am, more than what I say I am.

Victory

My husband and I were recently sharing with a couple that when trying to change your financial situation around you have to see past what has been done previously to a new reality God has promised us. If you only see the other person for the flaws, mistakes, bad decisions and bad habits, you will always think of them as that destructive irresponsible person. So everything you say, think and do will keep you thinking less than, inadequate. You will begin to see your marriage as a lost cause, something that is broken and cannot be repaired. But God, as it said in Ephesians, can do anything! Your situation can be turned around for the good, but you have to believe it.

When I was meditating on the scripture, one thing stood out to me, it’s not about God, it’s about me. I have to believe I can be great. In my finances I have to believe my family will be debt free, we will have the finances for all our needs and wants, and will be a blessing to the kingdom of God through our giving. We begin to understand that we have to be systematic in our approach to our finances.

We learned the value of making short term sacrifices for a greater good. We advise others to put a name on every savings you have from your budget and every time you don’t splurge on an item, use the money you would have used to splurge, on a debt you are paying off. It will change the way you look at things. Change from a negative, “I can't or I'm sacrificing something,” to, “This is what we get to pay off earlier than planned.” By doing this we have an eye towards a greater future in which God can work on us and through us to be more. So now we are living a life that is more than, as opposed to less than.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for the blessings you have bestowed upon us. We thank you for loving us more than we love ourselves. We thank you for the promise of more. More life, more health, more love, more peace, more wealth, more generosity, more pushing the kingdom of God. Lord help us to be free to serve you more, unburdened by our financial situations. God help us to not be satisfied with living less than what you have for us. Stir up our faith, oh Lord. We believe that you can and will do all things, we just have to believe. Lord we believe. We believe in you, in your word, your Holy Spirit, in your power, your love, and in our eternal place with you. Lord thank you for not giving up on us and not letting us give up on us. Because of your promise we have a future and for that we are grateful. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Producer or a Parasite

Producer or a Parasite

Recently we were driving and I saw a political sign which caught my attention. By its very nature, it was created to illicit a deep vitriolic response. Although it created a response in me, it was not the one it intended. It got me to thinking and I ask the question: In the financial condition within your marriage are you a producer or a parasite?

Background

I know of a woman who has been married for 19 years and her husband has not worked for the last 13 years. When I first met her, she would tell me how her husband was a house husband, and he did not work, because his job was to care of the kids. I thought how progressive. I'm not sure I could do that, going off to work every day while my husband got to stay at home doing all the mommy stuff I'd want to do. Then, the longer I got to know her the more I found out it was just a facade, a story she told people to explain why her husband did not work.

You see he was not helping their family, as I saw it looking from the outside. When the children got sick, or needed to be picked up early from school, she would have to take off of work early. When they were out of school for holidays or on school breaks, she would have to take them to a relative so she wouldn't have to take off from work. Then I got to wondering, “What is he doing if she's working every day and running around with the kids?”

Insights

There was a time in our marriage when I did not work traditionally outside the home. I was so excited when I up and quit my job, that I could be a stay at home mom. I never really thought that was my lot in life, but as we developed a deeper walk in Christ, I felt like this is just the way it's supposed to be. Well after a couple months, I quickly found out it wasn't for me. I then decided I'm going to start my own business. Not as an accountant, for which I had years of education and training, but I wanted to be creative. I wanted to create floral arrangements and make candles, for sale.

I was gung ho, turning part of our garage into my workshop! I spent days out buying supplies, making business cards and going to every craft show I could find. Now, I knew I needed to make some money. Our son was still in private school, so I would take the occasional temporary contract job to do the books for some local small business that was in between bookkeepers or accounts but my heart was totally sold out for this new business venture.

I would be so wrapped up in my own thing that I may or may not cook that day. I would sign up for 2-4 day craft shows, expecting my husband to cover everything while I was building my empire. It had gotten to the point where we were fighting daily about the money I was taking out of the household. I had become a parasite. Merriam-Webster defines a parasite as "an animal or plant that lives in or on another animal or plant and gets food or protection from it". Ouch that hurt!

Why do I share these two stories? For some of us we are or may be married to someone who operates as a parasite financially in our marriage. They take, take, take and give very little back in return. Some of us have started businesses using the family money to fund it, but more and more of the money is going to the business and the family is beginning to suffer because of it. Others of us are in a constant state of unemployment, not because there are no jobs, but because we don't want to work or don't want to work doing what's available. For some we have made a decision to simply not contribute.

Please hear me; I AM NOT talking about stay at home moms who are taking care of the children and the home. I salute those who are working tirelessly to take care of their home. There is a special grace that I admire in those who do that. I am also not talking to those who cannot work for whatever reason, such as health related. I am talking to those, who for whatever reason are making their family's financial condition tenuous. Proverbs 19:14-16 says this "House and land are handed down from parents, but a congenial spouse comes straight from God. Life collapses on loafers; lazybones go hungry. Keep the rules and keep your life; careless living kills." (MSG). I say to those for whom this applies...Get up, get out and get to working!

Victory

In the back of my mind I felt I deserved to take some time to figure out what I wanted to do. I have been working since I was 13, and for the first five years of our marriage I was the main bread winner. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought my husband owed me. However what I was doing was bringing us down. Since I knew I did not want to go back to working a 9-5, I had to figure out what I wanted to do. The more calls I received to work as a consultant to small businesses, the more God's plan revealed itself to me.

Today I can say that financially I am an asset to my family. Through honest conversations we developed a plan we both could agree on. It's not about equal contribution but it is about equal effort. While I don't work full time, I do contribute financially, I am there for my son as we are preparing him to graduate High School next year, and I have freedom to work on some things that fulfill me.

We have learned to not be selfish, and to think more highly of our family than of ourselves. What are the steps you need to take to stop walking in selfishness? Are you a producer or a parasite? Hopefully you will vow to be a producer from this point forward. If you are married to a parasite, first pray, then go to them in love, showing them the family's financial condition. In love, stress to them the importance of not only contributing to the household, but adding to it more than they are taking away from.

In life we all have moments when we are walking in a state of either being a producer or a parasite. It's however in the prolonged states of being a parasite that we must examine ourselves and find out what is really going on within us. For me, I found it was a sense of entitlement and a little resentment. So I had to grow up, get over it and get back to work.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for this day you have created. We thank you Lord for the press you have put in us to be better than our current situation. Lord, give us insight on how to change our situation, to make us producers and not parasites. God give us favor with man, showing us where we can either get employment or get promotions. Lord, help us not to be resentful and selfish, giving us a desire to help our family and not hurt them. Help us Father to encourage our spouses and support them. Let us grow and mature, so that we see that money and finance has been given to us to support and grow the Kingdom and not for our own personal gain. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen