What Did You Just Say

What Did You Just Say

My husband and I don't really fight anymore. Not because we don't disagree but because we have developed some tools over the years that help us disagree, without being disagreeable. Recently however, we had a yelling match over juice that left me asking, "What Did You Just Say?"

Background

In my effort to be healthy and wanting the healing that I know is for me, I started back juicing. Not just for weight loss, or a time of spiritual fasting, but as a way of life, to help my body work as God intended it to; and because I want my family to be healthy. I asked my husband and son if they wanted to juice with me, and both said, “Sure as long as you make it we'll drink it.” For the last couple of weeks, I've been hit and miss with the juicing. I would make it one day, then I wouldn't make it for the next couple of days, then I'd make it again and they wouldn't drink it. So Sunday my hubby and I went to the store, and picked up some items for juicing.  He even picked out strawberries to be included in the juice, and I told him I was going to start back making juice that night.

Well he had an awards program he needed to attend, and my son didn't want any, so I thought I would just make it later for the hubby to drink in the morning on his way to work. Done…that was settled in my head, and I went on about my night. Now mind you, all of the items we bought that afternoon were still on the kitchen counter, and before he left, he asked me about my plans to get the items off the counter because he does not like the kitchen to be a mess.  I had not put anything up, nor had I moved anything around to make it look like I had any immediate plans to juice the items by the time he came home. So when he got there, he started yelling and my reaction was to yell right back.

The yelling match went on for a bit and I began to become indignant, thinking, “How are you going to come home yelling about some juice. You haven't even gotten in the door good; haven’t said hello; haven’t asked me if everything is ok, you just started yelling.” I mean, I said I would do it, but I didn't say when. His point was, “you left the kitchen a mess, I asked you about it before I left, and you're wasting money. How do you know I didn't want to drink one when I came home?” We were both making valid points but we didn't take the other person into consideration.  We really should have watched what we said to each other.

Insight

The issue of me following through with what I say I’m going to do has been an ongoing theme of our recent conversations, of which until a month ago I didn't know was a concern of his. A couple of months ago, I forgot to pay our water bill. I was working on some projects at work and also at church. I was working late, until 7 or 8 o'clock at night, trying to juggle several things at one time and some of my household responsibilities were not being handled. I had the bill in my purse and as I only pay bills once a month, I had overlooked the water bill.  Knowing it needed to be paid I put it in my purse but just forgot about it and didn't pay it.

Our son came home from school and I got the call that something is wrong because we have no water. I was embarrassed, and worried, but immediately called my husband and told him what happened. He didn't yell or accuse me of being irresponsible, we just made a plan to work around the problem and we moved on, or so I thought.  Fast forward a few months and while we were working with a couple concerning their finances, we told the story. I thought we had worked past it but he made a small comment that caused me to pause a bit.

He advised the husband how it is easy to get upset when you come home and dinner is not done yet the wife has been home all day. He told the husband that it’s human nature to say "What have you been doing all day?" He said you just have to put your anger aside and find out what's happening and move on. He was advising him from the scripture in Ephesians 4:31-32. "Put aside all bitterness, losing your temper, anger, shouting, and slander, along with every other evil. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ." (CEB) My mind that night immediately went to "What happened to that great advice you gave that husband, Man of God?" But then I got checked.

A friend was commenting of Facebook how some wives on a TV reality show were foolish women. They were arguing, putting their husbands down, letting jealousy and insecurity take over them and were contributing to scarring their marriage, some to the point of no return. She quoted Proverbs 21:9 "Better to live on the edge of a roof than with a contentious woman in a large house." (CEB) And while I was saying yeah look at them women there aren't they foolish,” God asked me, "Now, how foolish are you?" "Uhhh Lord but he, but he, but he..." I started to say and then I remembered, ‘When you messed up a minute ago Frenchette, your husband showed you compassion but when he gets frustrated, when you know it bothers him for the kitchen to be a mess leaving food out like that, you can't show him grace like he did for you?’

And I have to admit that because I was still mildly annoyed at my husband, two days later, I made the juice but I didn't prepare a to go cup for him like I normally would. I made it, left it in the fridge and didn't think about it until God asked me "What did you say to him? You were so wrong."

Victory

So why the story about our fight? When dealing with your finances in marriage we all have setbacks. We can be making great strides in getting bills paid on time, putting money back in savings and paying off debt and then you hit a bump in the road and all those past hurts and feelings of “we are back in that same ole mess that we were in before,” can resurface. You have to show grace to one another, and understand you will mess up a time or two. No one mistake is worse than the other, you have to find a way to work it out together and not fall back into the blame game.

I focused so much on what he said to me I let my own mouth run amuck and let anger take over. I was so intent on my righteous indignation, that I just looked over the fact that yeah, I messed up. I said I was going to do something and I didn't. I just got the man to buy into drinking this stuff so we can make strides towards being healthier and living longer, he went to the store with me and picked out things he would like, and here I am acting like a fool. I could have potentially stopped him from moving towards a healthier lifestyle.

It's the same with our finances. When our spouses mess up we can be so intent on berating them for the mistakes they make, that we forget that bag of clothes we snuck into the house last week or that pair of shoes we bought that we know we didn't need. We will tear him down and forget we messed up too, like me not paying the water bill. How hurt would I have been if he went ballistic when I told him, “umm yeah, when you get home there won't be any water?” I mean, I already felt bad enough, and his yelling at me would have just made me feel worse.

In dealing with our spouses, we have to show compassion and grace. I love the verses in Proverbs 17:27-28 that says "The one who knows much says little; an understanding person remains calm. Even dunces who keep quiet are thought to be wise; as long as they keep their mouths shut, they’re smart." (MSG) So while I messed up this time and let my anger take over, next time I will speak little and forgive much. 

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for the grace you show us daily. We are grateful that you do not treat us with the same measure we treat our spouses, or with wrath we so deserve for our offenses towards you. You constantly forgive us, showing us new mercies because of your love for us. We thank you that you show us our faults and allow us an opportunity to get it right, with you and with our spouses. God I ask you to bridle my tongue so that I am slow to speak out in anger and that I may be quick to forgive as I have been forgiven. Help me not to focus on what my husband has done, but to look at what I can do to be more compassionate and loving towards him. Let me not hold up his shortcoming, minimizing my wrong doings. Help me to be supportive and encouraging. Help me to speak with more kindness and understanding. Lord you have brought us so far, help me not to be a stumbling block in our continued growth. Lord I rejoice in our victory through you. Thank you for our glorious future. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Son You Need A Job

Son You Need A Job

Our son is 16, a junior in high school, and I think it's time he gets a part-time job, to learn responsibility, self-reliance, and the value of money. And while my husband and I agree, the process to get him there is more about me than it is about him.

Background

My son turned 16 last June and got his driver’s license that August. He played football and because of practice twice a day, and football camps, getting a summer job at that time was not feasible. After he suffered his second concussion, football was over for him.  Naturally, I thought after he recuperated he would be "hitting the pavement" to find a part-time job. I would tell him, “I saw a sign (at so and so place) that they are hiring," or "Have you put an application in (at this and that place)? I think I saw some new faces." I'm thinking, come on son you need to get a job.

You see, as his mother I was worried. He's 16, I have one more year with him and I need to get him prepared to start standing on his own two feet. The real truth is I see him, being a little aimless, and I wonder inside quietly, will he be the person that God has determined he will be? I ask my husband in exasperation, what are we going to do about our son? I just don't understand.

For me it's hard to understand why he doesn't have a part-time job, a side hustle to have some money in his pocket, like mowing yards or shoveling snow. I am also concerned because I don't see that he has a viable plan for after high school. It's so foreign to me, because by the age of thirteen I knew what I wanted to become, what I planned to study in college, and had a summer job. By 16 I had savings, an after school job, and still had my summer job. As a senior in high school I paid my own expenses, had visited several schools, and had obtained scholarships to help pay for my education. I took classes in high school, joined clubs and participated in activities that would prepare me for the future. I was a type A personality, on maximum drive full steam ahead.

Insight

My frustration with our son, I am finding is affecting my conversation with my husband. I pray and pray, “God help our son to be the person you have created him to be,” but when I speak to my husband I am saying, "why aren't you making him do this or that?" My fear is that this lack of motivation is a glimpse of what is to come, an unmotivated child becomes an unmotivated adult. I often worry about where my son would be should something happen to my husband and I? So my fear for him has begun to consume me.

My son is a very laid back guy, who is not easily ruffled. He does things in his own timeframe and you cannot push him into doing something he does not want to do. This is a great attribute because he does not succumb to peer pressure, but as a take charge ‘do what I say’ mom, you can imagine my frustration. He is so much like my husband in that way; I run around high strung, a mile a minute, while my husband takes one task at a time until it's all done. I want to see actual progress, where he says, “if we do what we are suppose to do, all will be as it is suppose to be.”

My husband and I are two completely different people and our son is an interesting mix of us both. In realizing that my way is not working, I am trying harder to get myself out of the way and let God and my husband help mold him into the man he is suppose to be. My husband tells me that I have to let go of the reigns and let God guide him, and I can honestly say that it is the hardest thing to do. As we were at an all night prayer service, Proverbs 19:20-21 was a scripture provided for us to meditate on "Hear counsel, receive instruction, and accept correction, that you may be wise in the time to come. Many plans are in a man's mind, but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will stand." (AMP). Ouch, are my worries more about my plan for his life than God's plan for his life?  I had to ask God, “do I really mean not my will or do I mean let Your will be done?”

Victory

As simple as it may seem, I have to start looking at why am I letting this consume me I have always told our son "A man should always have money in his pocket but it should be gained by the work of his own hands." I have never wanted him to be a deadbeat, slothful, or an unaccomplished person. My desire for our son is that financially he will be self sufficient and that he will not suffer. My husband says our son may have to come to the end of himself, and hit rock bottom, before he gets an understanding of what he needs to do to take care of himself. Oh Lord, can I sit there and see that happen and not intervene?

I want our son to have a healthy relationship with work, and money, so he can take care of himself and his family. In my mind, that equates with being financially comfortable.  At the prayer service however, someone spoke on how we all want a life of comfort while here on earth, and we want to enjoy all of the financial blessings that comfort brings, but that is not what God promised us. In Hebrews 12:1-2 God says don't get tripped up by the baggage or sin of this world, "So then let’s also run the race that is laid out in front of us, since we have such a great cloud of witnesses surrounding us. Let’s throw off any extra baggage, get rid of the sin that trips us up, and fix our eyes on Jesus, faith’s pioneer and perfecter. He endured the cross, ignoring the shame, for the sake of the joy that was laid out in front of him, and sat down at the right side of God’s throne" (CEB). As his mother I am trying to bypass God in the perfecting of our son so he can walk in the fullness of what God has destined for him.

Humph, I did not like hearing that, but it is true. We as a people of God cannot grow without testing. We cannot realize God is the supplier of all our needs unless we need something. Our son cannot become a man if he is not left on his own to work it out for himself. Sure he's only 16 but next year he will be finished with high school and he is going to have to determine what he is going to do with his life. I cannot do it for him.

My husband tells him, and me too (because I need to hear it), when he gets done with high school he has three choices: 1) College 2) The Military or 3) Get a full time job, whichever of the three he chooses he will be taking care of himself. I hear it and think he cannot take care of himself if he doesn't even have a work ethic. So I am frantic, trying to make sure that I have taught him all the lessons I think he should know before May of 2015 gets here. The truth is we are continually learning and growing with every breath we take and every day we live. We learn so much more from our failures than our successes.

As his mom I want him to succeed and to shield him from failure. I want him to be successful in life, but he has to want it for himself. I say I want him to learn to depend on God but I don't want him to go through the process of getting to a point of dependence on God. How can he ever know God is his redeemer if he's never been redeemed? How can I teach him to stand on his own two feet if I don't push him out into the world and let him see what it means to have to provide for himself?

Success is measured differently for every person. My greatest desire for our son should be for God to be pleased with him. I do believe that without a vision or a plan, a person will fall into despair but the plan should be measured by what God has set forth for that person, not by what we have made up in our own minds. I have to truly let go and let God have rule in this situation, not let my fears for his future frustrate me or my husband. I have to speak in one voice with my husband, to make it clear to our son that he will be responsible for himself. I have to believe that if he has to suffer on his road to being the man he is to be, that's ok, and that God will provide but he has to believe it for himself. So while it's true he needs to get a job, he needs to get a relationship with God and let God direct his path.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for the grace and mercy you give to us. Thank you for every trial you have seen us through. Thank you for the refiner's fire we have endured in the perfecting of our soul. God we are so grateful you do not leave us to die the death we so rightly deserve but you sent your son, dying on the cross under the weight of all our sins. God we are so grateful for the children you have blessed us with, whether they are biological, adoptive or our spiritual children. Lord you know our children can be a weight we carry. We can be consumed with concern for them. We know you have desire that they will know you as their Lord and Savior and we turn them over to you today God. We give them to you Lord to do what you will with them and through them. We know that the walk with you is not always easy and that some will come to know you at an early age and some will have to suffer before they come to know that you are the one true and living God. Father, we plead the blood of Jesus over their lives, that their destiny in you will not be aborted but that they turn themselves fully over to you. Lord we pray for their minds, that they will come to an understanding of who they are in you. We pray for their hearts that their generation will be the one that will not turn from you all the days of their lives. We pray for their souls, that they will not become prey at the devils hand being bold to preach your good news to the nations. We pray for their bodies that they will be pure, uncorrupted until marriage or your return. We know that you can keep them from falling and that your plan for them is greater than any plan we as their parents could ever have for them. Thank you for entrusting them to us and we give them back to you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Separate Does Not Equal Unity

Separate Does Not Equal Unity

I recall there was a time in our marriage that I was so frustrated with our financial condition I would often say to my husband "Ok, you put your money in your own account and I will put mine in my own and we will just see at the end of the month who has money left!" We couldn't agree on the littlest things and it just seemed easier, financially, to just go our separate ways. I had given up the fight and I had just resigned myself to the fact that things were not going to get better. I wonder, if we look at why we really do things separately in marriage, would we understand what our true motivation is? Are we really walking in unity?

Background

When I was growing up, my grandparents and my parents worshiped at separate churches. We didn't know there was any other way; that was just the way we were raised. As kids we would have to choose who we were going to go to church with, missing out on spending time with friends. We hardly ever went out to eat on Sunday as a family, as the two churches often let out at different times. As I got older I noticed that was not the only pattern of being separate that I saw as examples of how to operate in a marriage.


There were separate checking accounts, separate groups of friends, and just that general sense of, “I'm going to share only so much with you, but there are certain areas in my life that you are just not going to have access to.” I thought to myself, “When I grow up and get married, my husband and I are not going to be like that. We are going to share everything, living truly by ‘what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours’.” Does not scripture say in Amos 3:3 "Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?" (MSG)?


Then, within the first three months of our marriage, I quickly realized we did not share the same views on handling money, what friends to hang out with, or even a similar work effort. While my husband was finishing up school, I continued to work out of town and would only come home on the weekends. While home on weekends, I would cook enough food for the week for him so he wouldn't have to spend money eating out. However, while I was away, he would spend money on this and that, including eating out. I guess he didn't like what I cooked, and because I had not budgeted for his spending, our account would become overdrawn. I would then come home fussing and fighting making what should have been three days of wedded newlywed bliss, a war zone.


So in an effort to resolve the conflict, I thought, “Let's just separate our accounts. You have your money to spend as you like, and since I make most of the money, I will pay most of the bills and spend my excess money on what I like.” As you can imagine, this was not the best way to handle this conflict. Sure we didn't fight as much about money, but we also were not walking in unity. What we actually ended up doing, was simply sweeping the problem under the rug, and not being accountable to one another, all while continuing to make bad financial decisions, becoming separate as we went along.

Insight

When my husband finished school we moved to Kansas City. Determined to make a fresh start, we combined our finances and pledged to work together as a team. We, however, hadn't changed our bad habits. We worshipped separately, and we still operated out of selfishness concerning money. We were heading on a path of being married but living separate lives. After about four years of marriage, and having experienced difficulty in conceiving, we were finally expecting! Knowing how I grew up, I was determined not to raise our child the same way. I wanted our family to worship together, and since my husband would not attend any other church other than his home church, that meant I had to worship with him.


Although we were starting to make headway in operating in unity, difficulties with my pregnancy and an order of bed rest caused more financial strain. Then our son was born about a month premature, and our finances took a nose dive. We were at our wits en, and had to make some changes. We were forced to either walk together in unity and fight our way out of this mess or we would destroy ourselves in the process. We couldn’t point the finger at one another, and we couldn’t say to the other, “You fix your mess, and I will fix mine.” We had to say, “Let’s find a way and fix this together.”


We had to become like-minded, and understand that we were in this together, and that the word of God was to be our guide. We knew that the Bible instructs us that wives are to respect their husbands, when their husbands submit themselves to God, and that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. However, in order for that to happen, we must first learn to love each other without doubt or hesitation. Colossians 3:12-17 instructs us "So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." (MSG). Love puts the needs and desires of the other above our own. Love also thinks highly of the other, always believing the best in the other.


For me I had to give up the notion that I knew more than him and that he was trying to bring me down. I had to understand that while we may see things differently, coming from different life experiences, we want to get to the same destination. I had to fight the urge to flee or remove myself when things got difficult. My desire to separate our finances was because: 1) I didn't want to submit, 2) In the back of my mind I feared our relationship would not work and I didn't want a negative financial circumstance to affect me in the future, and 3) I did not believe God could work it out. I saw my husband, and our marriage, as a temporary situation and I didn't want to put the work into understanding our marriage as a lifelong covenant.


We've heard that marriage is a covenant that requires blood to seal it and death to break it, while commitment is a contract that has provisions to mutually end it. The cost of unity is great and requires sacrifice to bring it into being. Unity is not easy; it hurts to be on the same page. To walk in unity means that someone will have to sacrifice their desires, and we don't want to be the one to have to make that sacrifice. This is what I saw growing up. No one wanted to make the sacrifice to walk in unity, so it was easier to be separate living under one roof.

Victory

In my formative years I didn't see people working together in marriage. As we worshiped at the same church together, we had the opportunity to hear the same word being preached from the pulpit. We were then able to receive it in our own hearts and apply it to our marriage. I had not seen that before. The first marriage retreat we attended that our church sponsors every year profoundly changed us. It breathed a new life in us, but more importantly it allowed me to see marriages that were healthy and thriving. These marriages had longevity, and gave me a glimpse of what I could experience in marriage if I just got out of my own way.


Once we got on the same page, our marriage experienced a peace that seemed impossible in those early years. It hasn't always been easy; we have to make conscious decisions to walk in unity daily. We had to give up the notion that we can do better on our own, than together; understanding that we are in it for the long haul. When you see your marriage as permanent, you are less likely to accept a life that is less than what you know it can be. It was easier for me to give up the fight and just say you have your money and I will have mine.


Now we say "no we are not willing to accept anything less than what God has for us." We worship together, we work in ministry together, we handle our finances together, we socialize together and our next journey is to pray and study the word of God together. The word of God says "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20 KJV), and that applies to my marriage. We can come together, in unity, praying and believing God can do anything for us, with us and through us. Together we are strong, unbreakable, and not easily defeated. We have someone who is in the fight together, who has my back, and will intercede on my behalf. Life is easier when you travel the road with someone else, and when you have someone there to share the load with you. There is peace, comfort, and strength in unity and I thank God for it.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for your word that instructs us of your desire for our life and our marriage. We thank you God for our spouse, our grace gift, our helpmate, our companion to share life's journey with. God, we ask that you help us to discard our desire to separate ourselves from our spouse and give us a greater desire for unity in our marriage. Help us put away our selfishness and self-centeredness, and to begin to think more of the other than we do of ourselves. Father, we rebuke the circumstances of our past. We rebuke those things that tell us we can go at it alone, that we do not need our spouse, or that are against us. Help us to not let anything come between us as a couple and help us to walk in unity, and follow the precepts you have outlined for us in your word. Lord we invite you into our hearts and our marriage; we honor your lordship in our lives. We will not look back at what once was but will move forward thanking you for what you have brought us out of and the victory that is before us. Help us in all our decisions to be unified with our spouse and we declare our marriage is a schism free zone. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.