The Joneses Who?

The Joneses Who?

Our Co-Pastor was preaching the other night and she got me to thinking. She talked about how people should not try to do what they did, spending wise. People will see someone wearing a different suit every week and think I want to do that. Or just because someone is carrying a designer purse does not mean you need to carry one. Of course I was just amening away, as I believe it's true. Then I had to look at myself and ask who am I trying to keep up with? Who am I trying to keep my husband and son with? Am I trying to keep up with the Joneses?

Background 

Ok I'm going to date myself but when I was in high school the trend of kids wearing expensive tennis shoes was just starting, you remember the first Air Jordans. Me not being an athlete I just wanted them because I wanted to be stylish, I wanted what others had. So my mother, the ever frugal shopper, found us some Pumas at K-Mart, I didn't know where they came from. I really thought I was something with my new white Pumas and my neon green and pink shoe laces. Then as quickly as I was enamored with my shoes, I then hated them because someone told me my mom got them from K-Mart.

Back then K-Mart was seen as a place that people who didn't have much money shopped, a place people looked down on. I was embarrassed, then mad, then I just tossed them to the side, never to wear them again. My mother spent that money, to have me dressing like the other kids, cause I wanted them. Now if she had not been the person she was she could have easily spent a lot of money on some fade, that I really didn't need and would get bored with. Parents will often go broke trying to dress their kids from head to toe with the latest fashions. Trying to compete with the Joneses.

Insights

After my about face on my shoes my mother started having conversations with me about fade vs timeless pieces. She also talked to me about not letting what others have spend my money for me. It was a valuable lesson. We have had the same conversations with our son. I wonder how people will spend their whole paycheck, forgetting about the bills they have to pay to get the latest this or that purse they saw so and so carrying. They will spend half their income on an expensive car only to park it in front of their apartment building. We don't often share how it is more important to use that money to invest in a home of your own and just buy a reasonable car, or drive a less flashy car, we would call that a hoopty, that we paid cash for instead of getting into debt.

People will then in order to afford all the things they want because someone else has it, have to work two or three jobs. They spend all their time at work chasing after the dollar instead of spending time with their family. I signed up to receive text message encouragement about marriage. I received this "Your love of money should not overshadow your love for a healthy marriage. Don't allow money to stress your marriage. Stay on one accord." Trying to keep up with the Joneses is stressful on everyone.

When you try to walk in someone else's anointing, trying to emulate the things others have, it becomes a weight around your neck weighing you down. David's story tells it like this "Then Saul outfitted David as a soldier in armor. He put his bronze helmet on his head and belted his sword on him over the armor. David tried to walk but he could hardly budge. David told Saul, “I can’t even move with all this stuff on me. I’m not used to this.” And he took it all off." 1 Samuel 17:38-39. (MSG) Trying to keep up with the Joneses is really walking in envy.

Our desire to want so much more for our children, our family and ourselves can really be a spirit of envy.We are teaching our kids not to be happy with what they have. We model that for our children and then they live their lives operating out of envy. Envy causes us to spend more than we should, create excessive credit card debt, and really have us bound. We pass on these bad habits to our children, them to their children, so and so forth, it becomes a generational curse, being broke!

As mothers we spend on our children, sometimes, from an emotional place. We want our children to be well liked, not looked on as being different. We equate that to being just as good as someone else. So because we don't have them to be picked on we over buy and teach them to chase after the latest fade. What we are really telling them is without all the trappings of this world you are not good enough, when you get down to it.

Victory

When our son was young we purposed it in our hearts to not run after things. Being an only child it is easy to over indulge. We had to explain to him just because someone else has this or that does not mean we have to have it. We had to train our conversation so that we were not speaking I wish I had what so and so has. We do not make public figures, athletes and actors, the images we are modeling ourselves after.

Do we have nice things? Sure we do. We don't however go into debt to have it. When we built our second home we really had to practice what we preached. We went from a 1700 sq ft home to a 3200 sq ft home, and wow did we have a lot of space to furnish. We paid cash for our dining room and family room furniture and re-purposed the living room, guest bedroom and our son's room. We didn't have enough furniture or money to furnish our bedroom. So for six to eight months we slept on mattress/box springs on the floor and milk crates that served as our night stands.

We could have easily fallen in to the trap that this person we know, or that neighbor we know has all these nice things, we should go out and get into debt to furnish the house. Or when friends and family came over we could have been ashamed because we didn't have bedroom furniture.We had to stand on the belief that what we have or do not have, compared to other people will not define who we are. We were not competing with the Joneses.

When we focus on things outside ourselves to determine our self worth we make those things our idols. Then those idols become the only thing we focus on and all our money, time and talents go to feed that idol. We must realize we are more than enough, God made us perfect just as we are. After all we are made in his image. Our example of who we should be striving to be like is Jesus Christ. No car, shoe, purse, hair, or gadget is going to satisfy us completely. We will only be satisfied when we are content in God.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we come to you today thanking you for your love, grace and mercy. I thank you God for you breaking the spirit of envy from our lives. Thank you for taking those idols from before our eyes and putting our focus back on you. Lord help us to be satisfied in you. Let our desires be for more of you and less for things. We know you tell us that we can have the desires of our hearts, that are according to your will, and our desires are for you Lord Jesus, more of you. Give is the strength to say no to desires of being like someone else and the courage to walk in being who you have created us to be. Help us realize and accept we are more than enough just as we are because we are wonderfully made and are marvelous in thine eyes. We ask all these things in your son's name Jesus Christ. Amen.

Gurl watch yo mouth

Gurl watch yo mouth

At church a few nights ago we were in small groups. We were reading scripture then we were praying the scripture applying it to our lives and the ministries we served in. Then the leader of one of the ministries I serve recalled and shared a scripture from a sermon a guest Pastor had preached. I recalled that same sermon but didn't think much about it. But boy did my spirit man run with it all night. The Lord woke me up with this "Gurl watch yo mouth!"

Insight

A few years ago, shortly after we came out of bankruptcy, my dad's family came to my parents house for a family reunion. I says my dad's family as we have attended four family reunions over the years, my grandmother's family, my grandfather's family, my dad's family, and my husband's family. Ok, ok, I digress. Well anyway I had heard a word in church and I proclaimed "I'm not poor anymore!" They all were stunned a little, kind of laughed and joked, teased a little, then moved on. But you see I was so serious.

Our Pastor's, Apostle Keith Wesley, Pastor, Apostle Skip Horton, had spoke a word from this scripture "The Master, God, has given me a well-taught tongue, So I know how to encourage tired people. He wakes me up in the morning, Wakes me up, opens my ears to listen as one ready to take orders." Isaiah 50:4-9 (MSG) We had just come out of a very trying, embarrassing time. How am I, this person who handles money for so many others, in bankruptcy and having such dire financial problems. We had come out of that and a car repossession, I will share about that at another time, and whew things were finally looking up. We had sold our first home and were building our second. We had been blessed with financing as most places would not touch us. We had a big down payment, proceeds from the sell of our first home, had to pay a couple points but we were just grateful. The whole house building thing was another life lesson for me, but again I digress.

God was really doing something in our lives but I kept finding myself saying I don't have any money. Every time I turned around that was coming out my mouth. My countenance had changed too. Now I believed something, my faith was strong, but my confession was out of line with what God was doing. Then Apostle Horton spoke and my spirit really grabbed on. Look my daddy God owns the cattle in a thousand hills, he created the heavens and the earth. All the wealth in the world he created and gave me dominion over it. If I say I'm a child of God why am I constantly saying "I'm broke". Gurl you betta watch yo mouth!

Victory

I had to begin to confess a new thing and it came out "I'm not poor anymore!" That confession wasn't just for myself but it was for you too. We say things all the time that speak death not life. We say things like: "This won't work", "I can't do this", "I'm so sick of this (or you)", "My marriage won't work", "My kids are bad, they won't listen, they don't love me" and many more things that are distructructive self talk. We have to stop that, right now.

When I said I wasn't poor, things were not the best financially for us. But I had to start saying things differently. No longer was it "I don't have any money" but it's "I don't have it right now". For some that might just be semantics but for me there was a promise in that. You see "right now" is just a fixed moment in time, but each day is a new day, a new promise in The Lord.

My dear hubby has alway been a man of faith. He never really gets down or out about anything. He always has these big visions or sees things past where we are right now. Our second home we built he found. He liked going around to the annual Homes Tours. He would go to different community's and see different home models, different builders, and different subdivisions. He saw a model he liked but really he thought oh she would love this. Then, loving a deal, he saw that the builder built in another town the same model, but the price was significantly less. So then he drags our son along, and my son (who was 4 at the time) says oh yes mommy would love this house.

It wasn't until I got the revelation myself and started confessing out of my mouth "I'm not poor anymore" could they show me the house. Any sooner I would have aborted this move of God. The power of life and death really is in your tongue and what you confess. So try it, confess a new thing, and don't be afraid of the ridicule. Members of my family still tease me today. "Ya that's right I forgot you're not poor anymore!". But that's ok because they are right, I'm not. I'm not, my husband's not. My son's not. My grandchildren will not be and their children after that will not be. That's okay if it starts with me, I can carry that burden. Will it start with you?

Prayer
Daddy God, we are just so grateful. Grateful for this day, grateful for your love, grateful for life, grateful for another chance to do your will. Father we ask you to govern our tongue and our words. Help us to speak life to all situations. Help us to not wallow in defeat, persecution, poverty, lack of money, love, or joy. God help us to speak victory, prosperity, more than enough, love, peace and joy. Help us to use right words and to see that we are more than an overcomer in all things because you live in us and you live through us. Help us to be the change we want to see and break generational curses that have had us bound. Lord we speak positively and definitively that today we, our husbands, our children, our grandchildren, great-grandchildren and the generations to come will no longer live under lack. We are mighty because you are our Redeemer, our Provider, our Father in Heaven. We ask these things, and believe it is so, in Jesus' name. Amen.

Back Money

Back Money

How often do we, women, hold back or hide money from our husbands. We are in essence stealing from our family. We are also creating a break in our relationship. Any time we with hold back, whether it is money, sex, or honesty, we are creating areas that we are saying I don't trust you enough with all of me.

Background 

I don't remember the first time I started taking a few dollars and putting it back, behind my checkbook, for just in case. You see I like, candy, Starbucks and shoes. I also love gizmos for the kitchen and electronics. At first it was my lunch budget money. I don't always eat lunch or if I do I might just pack a little something from home. Since it was my allotted money I felt I could do whatever I wanted. 

Then it started to be, I have to go to the ATM to make this deposit. Do I have another transaction, the message would ask, sure I do. $10 or $20 isn't going to be missed. Then I started having to dip into this money, I had put aside for me to splurge on, because our account was running low, to put a little gas in the tank or pick up a gallon of milk for our son. 

Then I was padding our account by $100, because my husband was using the debit card for things I hadn't budgeted for, so our account wouldn't be overdrawn. Then the last straw was I had stocks left over from some 401k that I was going to save back. Not tell him about because if I left him I would need something to start my new life over.

Insight

One day when my husband was watching Judge Brown, he spilled the secret on back money. My husband looked at me and I knew I was caught. I could have lied and minimized it but I came clean. Come to find out he had his own form of back money too. For him it was walking around money. He loves Craig's List. He would sell this or that, mostly watches, so he could buy another watch or some electronic gadget. He also collects loose change, which adds up. Turning that loose change into pocket money was his way of trying alleviate the need to withdraw from the bank account.

For me the back money was somehow something much deeper. I had come to believe I couldn't trust my husband, when it came to money. He was going to do something that would plunge us into financial ruin so I needed to have my own money set aside. He didn't need to know about it either, or he would waste it too. I really had to look at where these insecurities were coming from. I just didn't trust that God would keep us. I felt like I had do it all in my own strength. I also didn't believe my marriage was going to last. And because of that I needed a financial lifeboat. When I decided to jump ship I needed all my provisions in place.

Victory

Praise God jumping ship is no longer an option. While I still have back money, but it's not mine or his, it's ours. We openly tell each other how much money we have set aside. We now have a spending limit. We've determined a set amount we can spend independently and anything over that amount we talk about it with the other first. 

We don't have accounts or investments the other doesn't know about. We are on the same page but more importantly I no longer feel I need protect myself against him. I have learned to turn it over to God and let him fight my battles. Do we fall back into some of our old habits? Sure we do, but I have come to a place of maturity. I can talk to him about what I notice in myself or in him and we work through it together. The Bible says this, "How wonderful, how beautiful, when brothers and sisters get along!" Psalm 133:1 (MSG) Because we are not holding anything back from each other, we are working together. Life is so much easier when you have someone you can truely share it with.

We were speaking to a gentleman recently. He was sharing his desire to get his family's finances under control and get out of debt. He was saying how he was retired and on a fixed income and has very little left to work towards debt reduction, but that which he has he intends to use. There is just one obstacle, his wife. He said I know she has back money but she doesn't know I know. He said he notices when she asks for money for this or that and he tells her he doesn't have it. He says sure enough he will walk away and as he looks over his shoulder there she is pulling money out from wherever she stored it and she is counting it. They are not on the same page. He wants to help their family, but he needs a little help from her too.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for the work you are doing in us. God you are maturing us and we are so grateful that you don't give up on us. God we just thank you for breaking our secrecy about money. Our withholding from our spouse. We thank you that we are becoming open and transparent with our spouse and this is one area we will not give a foothold to the devil. God we bring those thoughts into subjection that tell us I have to have my own money for this or for that. We say we are done with our mistrust and or insecurities. God we believe that we can and will work together with our spouse and our financial peace is coming, it's on it way. We believe it and decree it by the blood of Jesus. We ask these things in Jesus Christ's name. Amen.

Come On Let's Be Honest

Come On Let's Be Honest

I used to blame my husband for all our financial problems. You see I was good with money and he wasn't so it must have been his fault. But if I was really honest, I really was just as much at fault as he was.

Background

We got married young. I was 23 and he was 21, yep I'm older than he is. He was still in college and I had just finished. I had lived on my own but just barely, while he had lived in the dorms until we were married. I had a car payment, student loans, credit card bills, more than should be allowed, and was just starting to work full time. He was still in school, wasn't working, maxed out on student loans, and a couple credit cards.

We should have been honest with each other about our financial condition and I should have been honest with myself instead of thinking this debt was normal. I thought well I'm not as bad as he is, I have a job and I'm paying my bills. So what it I'm only paying the minimum balances, and all while creating more debt. My most irresponsible excuse was hey if he's spending money we really don't have why should I be responsible, I'm going to spend too. Then when our son came, I would use the excuse that the baby needed this and that. Being unsatisfied with my job would make matters worse, I would act impulsively. I made more than he did for about the first 7 years of our marriage. I thought that gave me license to do whatever I wanted to do. When I was not happy with my job for one reason or the other, I would just quit my job. I usually had another one lined up but it would take two weeks to a month to get the next paycheck. With no savings to speak of things would be tight again.

Then when things were tight I would blame him, yell at him, pout, act out or just give him the silent treatment. And when we bought our first house, still shaking my head on how that happened, things just got worse. The upkeep, not to mention furnishings, on a home is not something to take lightly. We did all the wrong things at the wrong time. I just thank God he had his hand over our lives.

Insights

My husband was not my enemy nor was he my child. I often treated him like both. Just because he's not doing right, or what I deemed to be right, doesn't mean I have to do wrong right along with him. And most importantly my husband as the head of our home has to be left to let God deal with him. If I am always intervening or exasperating the situation, I'm interrupting his growth, and God can not minister to him.

As women we put a lot on our husbands. We want him to be head, provider, protector, the fixer of all things broken, the slayer of all pests, our sounding board, our confidant, and encourager all at the same time. We want him to be all things, at all times, because of our deep seeded need to feel safe and secure. But while he's working to grow into the husband God has chosen him to be, we won't give him any slack. And with each mistake he makes, often we are there with our arms crossed, tapping our feet saying either I knew you couldn't do it or when are you going to get it together? All while we can be making it difficult for him.

Unless your husband has been married before, and if he has that obviously didn't work out well, marriage is a new and challenging experience for him. And when the children come, oh boy that's even more pressure.  If we as women aren't forgiving during the process or do things that make the situation worse, we will often prolong our family's time in the wilderness. How many of us have done destructive things like quit working without talking about it as a couple first or doing it anyway even after he says maybe not at this time. Maybe we hide purchases or open up credit cards he has no idea about. Some of us have hidden money from our husband we know could be better used to help get our family out of debt. We are actually working against him, not with him.

I am reminded of the verse "People ruin their lives by their own stupidity, so why does God always get blamed?" (Proverbs 19:3 MSG) Now our husband is not God but he is the mate that God blessed us with. So we in essence are acting like Adam in the garden when he says God it wasn't me who disobeyed you and ate the apple, it was this woman you gave me. When we don't do everything, and then some, that we as wives are suppose to to help get under control, keep under control, or fix financial issues we are to blame, not our husbands.

Take Away

When we blame others for our situation without doing anything to improve it, we are equally to blame. Blaming others is an attempt to absolve all responsibility for our actions. I know of a woman who's husband it would appear keeps creating situations that has their family going from one financial crisis to the next. It's exhausting and frustrating. She feels like they are constantly living under the threat of losing everything. However, she is not working consistently full time or even part time. Yes he has to start or continue to make wise financial decisions but without creating some additional income streams she is not helping to make the situation better. As she and I talked it through, she understood she has to do her part to make things better, it is not all on him.

Once we know we are doing our part, we must lay the situation at God's feet and only he can make it better. I once heard a Pastor say, when we are constantly talking about, complaining about, or pleading our case on how they are wrong we don't leave room for God to come and intercede on our behalf. We tie his hands. However, once we say God I'm sorry for my part in this mess we are in. Lord I give my husband, this situation and my fears to you. Lord show me what I can do to aid in alleviating my husband's stress. Lord show me where I can cut costs and/or increase income. When we start looking at our family's financial issues as our problems not your problems we become our husband's partner not his adversary.

Prayer

Heavenly Father. We thank you for our husbands. We thank you for what you have begun in them, but more importantly what you have begun in us. Lord we thank you for showing us our husband is not our enemy. Lord show us where we can be a help and not be a hindrance. Lord give us the strength to be transparent with our husband and confess our part in our financial distress. God help us to forgive our husbands and forgive ourselves. We lay our finances at your feet and we know you will give us victory. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen

One Day One Step

Stepping out of my comfort zone

I don't really journal but after conversations through the years with friends about money issues, I feel compelled so share my insights concerning money in marriage and a godly woman's struggle and prayerful a godly woman's victory in the area of money.

Background

I am a married mother of 1. My husband and I were college sweethearts. We've been married for 20. I've worked with money for what seems like all my life. I started working for my family's business at 13 and at a very young age I performed tasks like payroll, invoicing, collections, bank account reconciliations and managing debt/bill paying. My uncle who took over the business in 1983, my grandfather started it in 1958, once told me that in business or in organization always handle the money. He said whoever handles the money usually has the greatest impact or control in the organization. That really stuck with me and in marriage, in church, and in business I have always handled the money.

I have a degree in accounting. I have worked for several businesses in the area of finance. I started my own business consulting company in 1999. I like numbers and fortunately or unfortunately see the world in terms of numbers.

Growing up my mother handled the money in the home and was the saver, while my dad was the spender. From the time I first started working she always stressed savings and having money set aside. I don't ever recall have a conversation about money with my dad. We always knew if we went shopping with my mom it was gonna be on sale and if we went shopping with my dad, the sky was the limit.

So my take away was always handle the money. Have something set aside and in marriage there will always be one who saves the money and there will be one who spends the money. 

Insights

While I knew about how to handle money and the importance of saving, I really didn't understand God's role in money and how to work together in marriage concerning money. When my husband and I first got married he was still in school and I was the one working. I made the money, and managed the money and I doled it out to him based on what I thought was necessary spending. This went on for several years, even after he finished school and started working, until I got pregnant. I remember saying I want to raise our son in church and I want my husband and I to go to church and be on the same page. I wanted him to be the provider and leader in our home and since money, and the need for security was my biggest issue I thought, I turned our financial life over to him. No warning, no instruction and with no assistance. I just dropped it and walked away. Well things didn't turn out so well. 

He had his own issues about money and had never been instructed on how to manage money. I had a difficult pregnancy, our son was born 1 month early. After practically working part-time two months before he was born I was then off work, needless to say our finances were a mess. We filed Chapter 13 shortly after our son was born and that's when reality hit.

I used to resent my husband. Everything was in either in my name or on my credit; the car, bank accounts, credit cards, utilities and even our first home. It seemed like I was bogged down with weight of the world and he was just skipping along fancy free. He would buy lunch at work, electronics on what seemed like a whim, and made unnecessary spending, while I was juggling buying groceries, making sure our utilities didn't get turned off and we had a roof over our head. That is how it seemed to me.

My husband always worked and worked hard. But because I never shared what was really going on, he never knew that just because it says there is money in the bank does not mean its available to spend. There was also something lacking, God's stewardship concerning money. We did not tithe or give regularly to the church. Money was so tight we just didn't see how we could give 10% of anything. So the bankruptcy came and we had to make some hard decisions. 

We had to determine were we going to keep doing the same old thing or were we going to do a new thing. We first determined that God is first. We were going to start tithing. No matter what. We made our debt repayments and then we would go from there. We started talking about money and because I was better with money we agreed I would handle it. We lived by our budget and we were frugal with all spending.

Victory

We came out of bankruptcy stronger than ever. We paid our debt back. We are on the same page and have raised our son with an understanding of how our family will operate concerning money. My husband just taught a Sunday class on money at our church with two other men. He shared insights and tools with the class that I believe will empower others to get out debt and gain victory other their finances. 

God turned our situation around. Because we determined to put him first, my husband got a better job, then another and another. We have been able to build two homes, we are now in the home we intend to retire in. We have traveled oversees, something we dreamed of doing. And have been able to open our home to host 3 exchange students. We no longer fight about money and really see it as a tool to be a blessing to others. 

Have we had setbacks, sure. Have there been issues that pop up, sure. My goal with this blog is to share some specific issues that we have faced or topics that have come up with friends and share strategies on how to overcome when it comes to your finances from a woman's perspective. Feel free to share concerns or ask questions. God says in his word "Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in every way and [that your body] may keep well, even as [I know] your soul keeps well and prospers." 3 John 1:2. (AMP) I believe that true for every area of our lives.

Prayer

Heavenly Father. We thank you for this day that you have created. We thank you for the grace and mercy you continue to bestow upon us. That even in our mess you have forgiven us and given us access to you through Jesus Christ. God we pray that all who read this will find hope and encouragement. That they know they are not alone and with you they can have victory over every area in their life, including finances. Help my words be received in the spirit in which they were intended. Let us as your daughters be an encouragement to our husbands. Help us to build up our men and not tear them down. Help us to work with them and not against them. Help us to be a helpmate in all situations that we may have victory and be the godly wife you have intended us to be. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.