Come On Let's Be Honest
I used to blame my husband for all our financial problems. You see I was good with money and he wasn't so it must have been his fault. But if I was really honest, I really was just as much at fault as he was.
Background
We got married young. I was 23 and he was 21, yep I'm older than he is. He was still in college and I had just finished. I had lived on my own but just barely, while he had lived in the dorms until we were married. I had a car payment, student loans, credit card bills, more than should be allowed, and was just starting to work full time. He was still in school, wasn't working, maxed out on student loans, and a couple credit cards.We should have been honest with each other about our financial condition and I should have been honest with myself instead of thinking this debt was normal. I thought well I'm not as bad as he is, I have a job and I'm paying my bills. So what it I'm only paying the minimum balances, and all while creating more debt. My most irresponsible excuse was hey if he's spending money we really don't have why should I be responsible, I'm going to spend too. Then when our son came, I would use the excuse that the baby needed this and that. Being unsatisfied with my job would make matters worse, I would act impulsively. I made more than he did for about the first 7 years of our marriage. I thought that gave me license to do whatever I wanted to do. When I was not happy with my job for one reason or the other, I would just quit my job. I usually had another one lined up but it would take two weeks to a month to get the next paycheck. With no savings to speak of things would be tight again.
Then when things were tight I would blame him, yell at him, pout, act out or just give him the silent treatment. And when we bought our first house, still shaking my head on how that happened, things just got worse. The upkeep, not to mention furnishings, on a home is not something to take lightly. We did all the wrong things at the wrong time. I just thank God he had his hand over our lives.
Insights
My husband was not my enemy nor was he my child. I often treated him like both. Just because he's not doing right, or what I deemed to be right, doesn't mean I have to do wrong right along with him. And most importantly my husband as the head of our home has to be left to let God deal with him. If I am always intervening or exasperating the situation, I'm interrupting his growth, and God can not minister to him.As women we put a lot on our husbands. We want him to be head, provider, protector, the fixer of all things broken, the slayer of all pests, our sounding board, our confidant, and encourager all at the same time. We want him to be all things, at all times, because of our deep seeded need to feel safe and secure. But while he's working to grow into the husband God has chosen him to be, we won't give him any slack. And with each mistake he makes, often we are there with our arms crossed, tapping our feet saying either I knew you couldn't do it or when are you going to get it together? All while we can be making it difficult for him.
Unless your husband has been married before, and if he has that obviously didn't work out well, marriage is a new and challenging experience for him. And when the children come, oh boy that's even more pressure. If we as women aren't forgiving during the process or do things that make the situation worse, we will often prolong our family's time in the wilderness. How many of us have done destructive things like quit working without talking about it as a couple first or doing it anyway even after he says maybe not at this time. Maybe we hide purchases or open up credit cards he has no idea about. Some of us have hidden money from our husband we know could be better used to help get our family out of debt. We are actually working against him, not with him.
I am reminded of the verse "People ruin their lives by their own stupidity, so why does God always get blamed?" (Proverbs 19:3 MSG) Now our husband is not God but he is the mate that God blessed us with. So we in essence are acting like Adam in the garden when he says God it wasn't me who disobeyed you and ate the apple, it was this woman you gave me. When we don't do everything, and then some, that we as wives are suppose to to help get under control, keep under control, or fix financial issues we are to blame, not our husbands.
Take Away
When we blame others for our situation without doing anything to improve it, we are equally to blame. Blaming others is an attempt to absolve all responsibility for our actions. I know of a woman who's husband it would appear keeps creating situations that has their family going from one financial crisis to the next. It's exhausting and frustrating. She feels like they are constantly living under the threat of losing everything. However, she is not working consistently full time or even part time. Yes he has to start or continue to make wise financial decisions but without creating some additional income streams she is not helping to make the situation better. As she and I talked it through, she understood she has to do her part to make things better, it is not all on him.Once we know we are doing our part, we must lay the situation at God's feet and only he can make it better. I once heard a Pastor say, when we are constantly talking about, complaining about, or pleading our case on how they are wrong we don't leave room for God to come and intercede on our behalf. We tie his hands. However, once we say God I'm sorry for my part in this mess we are in. Lord I give my husband, this situation and my fears to you. Lord show me what I can do to aid in alleviating my husband's stress. Lord show me where I can cut costs and/or increase income. When we start looking at our family's financial issues as our problems not your problems we become our husband's partner not his adversary.
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