Back Money

Back Money

How often do we, women, hold back or hide money from our husbands. We are in essence stealing from our family. We are also creating a break in our relationship. Any time we with hold back, whether it is money, sex, or honesty, we are creating areas that we are saying I don't trust you enough with all of me.

Background 

I don't remember the first time I started taking a few dollars and putting it back, behind my checkbook, for just in case. You see I like, candy, Starbucks and shoes. I also love gizmos for the kitchen and electronics. At first it was my lunch budget money. I don't always eat lunch or if I do I might just pack a little something from home. Since it was my allotted money I felt I could do whatever I wanted. 

Then it started to be, I have to go to the ATM to make this deposit. Do I have another transaction, the message would ask, sure I do. $10 or $20 isn't going to be missed. Then I started having to dip into this money, I had put aside for me to splurge on, because our account was running low, to put a little gas in the tank or pick up a gallon of milk for our son. 

Then I was padding our account by $100, because my husband was using the debit card for things I hadn't budgeted for, so our account wouldn't be overdrawn. Then the last straw was I had stocks left over from some 401k that I was going to save back. Not tell him about because if I left him I would need something to start my new life over.

Insight

One day when my husband was watching Judge Brown, he spilled the secret on back money. My husband looked at me and I knew I was caught. I could have lied and minimized it but I came clean. Come to find out he had his own form of back money too. For him it was walking around money. He loves Craig's List. He would sell this or that, mostly watches, so he could buy another watch or some electronic gadget. He also collects loose change, which adds up. Turning that loose change into pocket money was his way of trying alleviate the need to withdraw from the bank account.

For me the back money was somehow something much deeper. I had come to believe I couldn't trust my husband, when it came to money. He was going to do something that would plunge us into financial ruin so I needed to have my own money set aside. He didn't need to know about it either, or he would waste it too. I really had to look at where these insecurities were coming from. I just didn't trust that God would keep us. I felt like I had do it all in my own strength. I also didn't believe my marriage was going to last. And because of that I needed a financial lifeboat. When I decided to jump ship I needed all my provisions in place.

Victory

Praise God jumping ship is no longer an option. While I still have back money, but it's not mine or his, it's ours. We openly tell each other how much money we have set aside. We now have a spending limit. We've determined a set amount we can spend independently and anything over that amount we talk about it with the other first. 

We don't have accounts or investments the other doesn't know about. We are on the same page but more importantly I no longer feel I need protect myself against him. I have learned to turn it over to God and let him fight my battles. Do we fall back into some of our old habits? Sure we do, but I have come to a place of maturity. I can talk to him about what I notice in myself or in him and we work through it together. The Bible says this, "How wonderful, how beautiful, when brothers and sisters get along!" Psalm 133:1 (MSG) Because we are not holding anything back from each other, we are working together. Life is so much easier when you have someone you can truely share it with.

We were speaking to a gentleman recently. He was sharing his desire to get his family's finances under control and get out of debt. He was saying how he was retired and on a fixed income and has very little left to work towards debt reduction, but that which he has he intends to use. There is just one obstacle, his wife. He said I know she has back money but she doesn't know I know. He said he notices when she asks for money for this or that and he tells her he doesn't have it. He says sure enough he will walk away and as he looks over his shoulder there she is pulling money out from wherever she stored it and she is counting it. They are not on the same page. He wants to help their family, but he needs a little help from her too.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for the work you are doing in us. God you are maturing us and we are so grateful that you don't give up on us. God we just thank you for breaking our secrecy about money. Our withholding from our spouse. We thank you that we are becoming open and transparent with our spouse and this is one area we will not give a foothold to the devil. God we bring those thoughts into subjection that tell us I have to have my own money for this or for that. We say we are done with our mistrust and or insecurities. God we believe that we can and will work together with our spouse and our financial peace is coming, it's on it way. We believe it and decree it by the blood of Jesus. We ask these things in Jesus Christ's name. Amen.