When It's Time To Say No

I like to help others especially those I care about but in a recent conversation with a friend I realize sometimes saying yes hurts more than it helps.

Background

I am four years older than my sister, and the story goes when she was born I announced that she was my baby. I have always felt the need to take care of her, sometimes to my own detriment. My first retail job I spent half of my paycheck buying her clothes, and dressing her up. Let's face it, I thought she was just the cutest. Then when she came to college, she stayed with me. It was my fifth and final year, because it took me an extra year due to my majoring in Political Science and minoring in History. I worked and went to school full time, and although I took out loans so I wouldn't have to work my last year, I had to go back to work because I was paying for rent, food, gas and general upkeep for us both. Shortly afterwards, she had her first child, and I became TeeTee extraordinaire making sure my nephew had his first pictures, cute clothes and shoes, as well as an awesome first birthday.

“You need something for your house sister? I will get that for you, no problem, I will buy it and install it for you.” When she got married, “let me make the decorations for the reception.” When things didn't work out with her husband, “let me buy and install locks for you.” Christmas and birthdays, “sister you are a single mom and I know you are getting for your kids so let me make sure you get something as well.” I didn't have an older sister, but isn't that what you are supposed to do?

Now in all my getting and doing for my sister I never asked her, “do you have a budget, where is your savings, how did you contribute to making this situation for yourself?” I just did, and if my husband expressed a concern I had a few choice words for him because that's my sister and you can't tell me what I can or cannot do for my sister. My relationship with her had become dysfunctional and I was making my relationship with my husband dysfunctional as a result.

Insight

I had to come to an understanding that all help is not “help,” and some help is enabling. If in giving help, a person never learns to fix the problem themselves then the help we provide is hurting them. When a person is in need of help habitually, they learn to live in a continual state of need and in order to be delivered, they have to be turned over to God so that He may help them. Psalms 107:17-22 says it like this, "Fools because of their transgression, and because of their iniquities, are afflicted. Their soul abhorreth all manner of meat; and they draw near unto the gates of death. Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he saveth them out of their distresses. He sent His word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. Oh that men would praise the Lord for His goodness, and for His wonderful works to the children of men! And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and declare His works with rejoicing." (KJV) We do them a disservice and begin to resent them for always asking for help.

In my case my sister didn't ask for the help, I just jumped in and started problem solving because that is who I am. I then started giving her unwelcomed advice, because I knew best. I treated her like my child and what should have been a loving mutually beneficial relationship, became a dependent relationship. I didn't know any better, and while my husband tried to tell me I just wouldn't listen. She had to be the one to break the cycle because I sure wasn't going to.

She told me one day in a fit of frustration that I wasn't her momma. Wow did that sting! It took several years for me to get over that. I felt like all while I was helping her and not requiring accountability, she was fine taking my help, but when I started giving advice and requiring follow through, all of a sudden I'm trying to be your momma. But that wasn't the case. I had to start seeing her in a different mode and allowing her to make her own mistakes and fix them. Be a sister, someone to listen and encourage, but not be a fixer.

Victory

My sister is a remarkable woman. She is a single mother raising 3 wonderful children. She owns her own home, two cars and is very active in her church. She is self sufficient and more than capable of handling situations that come up in life. She needed to kick me out of her business so I could grow up. We were talking a few weeks back and we were reflecting on a situation she just came through. I was sharing with her I saw some red flags but didn't share with her because I didn't know how far I should go and out of fear of offending I didn't say anything. She told me I should have said something.

She wasn't asking me for money or assistance, that was my time to be big sister, and just share with her the concerns that I had. I really missed an opportunity. I still have a ways to go, but eventually I will get there. I am now understanding that all help doesn't have to have a price tag on it, and even if it does, I can and maybe often should just say no. No doesn't mean I don't love you it just means, I am going to step out of the way and let God and you work this thing out. Her depending on God and me getting out of the way, is the best help I could have ever given her and given myself.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for your love that you have shown us this day, even when we have been unlovely. God we ask you today to work in and and through us. Lord help us to examine our motives. Lord let our desire to help others not been motivated by self. Lord help us to not use helping others as a means to control others. Let our love for others be a true love, that helps point others to you and not to exalt ourselves. Father God, help us to be better examples of your love by stepping out of the way so that you can minister to our loved ones in needs. God we give them to you, so that you can work a miracle in their lives. Father we know the greatest gift we can give to those we love is providing a means by which they can have an everlasting relationship with you. God we thank you that you love us so much that you won't give up on us, that you are forever standing, with your arms open wide, waiting for us to run to you. Father we are forever grateful. In Jesus' name we pray, Amen.

What Did You Just Say

What Did You Just Say

My husband and I don't really fight anymore. Not because we don't disagree but because we have developed some tools over the years that help us disagree, without being disagreeable. Recently however, we had a yelling match over juice that left me asking, "What Did You Just Say?"

Background

In my effort to be healthy and wanting the healing that I know is for me, I started back juicing. Not just for weight loss, or a time of spiritual fasting, but as a way of life, to help my body work as God intended it to; and because I want my family to be healthy. I asked my husband and son if they wanted to juice with me, and both said, “Sure as long as you make it we'll drink it.” For the last couple of weeks, I've been hit and miss with the juicing. I would make it one day, then I wouldn't make it for the next couple of days, then I'd make it again and they wouldn't drink it. So Sunday my hubby and I went to the store, and picked up some items for juicing.  He even picked out strawberries to be included in the juice, and I told him I was going to start back making juice that night.

Well he had an awards program he needed to attend, and my son didn't want any, so I thought I would just make it later for the hubby to drink in the morning on his way to work. Done…that was settled in my head, and I went on about my night. Now mind you, all of the items we bought that afternoon were still on the kitchen counter, and before he left, he asked me about my plans to get the items off the counter because he does not like the kitchen to be a mess.  I had not put anything up, nor had I moved anything around to make it look like I had any immediate plans to juice the items by the time he came home. So when he got there, he started yelling and my reaction was to yell right back.

The yelling match went on for a bit and I began to become indignant, thinking, “How are you going to come home yelling about some juice. You haven't even gotten in the door good; haven’t said hello; haven’t asked me if everything is ok, you just started yelling.” I mean, I said I would do it, but I didn't say when. His point was, “you left the kitchen a mess, I asked you about it before I left, and you're wasting money. How do you know I didn't want to drink one when I came home?” We were both making valid points but we didn't take the other person into consideration.  We really should have watched what we said to each other.

Insight

The issue of me following through with what I say I’m going to do has been an ongoing theme of our recent conversations, of which until a month ago I didn't know was a concern of his. A couple of months ago, I forgot to pay our water bill. I was working on some projects at work and also at church. I was working late, until 7 or 8 o'clock at night, trying to juggle several things at one time and some of my household responsibilities were not being handled. I had the bill in my purse and as I only pay bills once a month, I had overlooked the water bill.  Knowing it needed to be paid I put it in my purse but just forgot about it and didn't pay it.

Our son came home from school and I got the call that something is wrong because we have no water. I was embarrassed, and worried, but immediately called my husband and told him what happened. He didn't yell or accuse me of being irresponsible, we just made a plan to work around the problem and we moved on, or so I thought.  Fast forward a few months and while we were working with a couple concerning their finances, we told the story. I thought we had worked past it but he made a small comment that caused me to pause a bit.

He advised the husband how it is easy to get upset when you come home and dinner is not done yet the wife has been home all day. He told the husband that it’s human nature to say "What have you been doing all day?" He said you just have to put your anger aside and find out what's happening and move on. He was advising him from the scripture in Ephesians 4:31-32. "Put aside all bitterness, losing your temper, anger, shouting, and slander, along with every other evil. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to each other, in the same way God forgave you in Christ." (CEB) My mind that night immediately went to "What happened to that great advice you gave that husband, Man of God?" But then I got checked.

A friend was commenting of Facebook how some wives on a TV reality show were foolish women. They were arguing, putting their husbands down, letting jealousy and insecurity take over them and were contributing to scarring their marriage, some to the point of no return. She quoted Proverbs 21:9 "Better to live on the edge of a roof than with a contentious woman in a large house." (CEB) And while I was saying yeah look at them women there aren't they foolish,” God asked me, "Now, how foolish are you?" "Uhhh Lord but he, but he, but he..." I started to say and then I remembered, ‘When you messed up a minute ago Frenchette, your husband showed you compassion but when he gets frustrated, when you know it bothers him for the kitchen to be a mess leaving food out like that, you can't show him grace like he did for you?’

And I have to admit that because I was still mildly annoyed at my husband, two days later, I made the juice but I didn't prepare a to go cup for him like I normally would. I made it, left it in the fridge and didn't think about it until God asked me "What did you say to him? You were so wrong."

Victory

So why the story about our fight? When dealing with your finances in marriage we all have setbacks. We can be making great strides in getting bills paid on time, putting money back in savings and paying off debt and then you hit a bump in the road and all those past hurts and feelings of “we are back in that same ole mess that we were in before,” can resurface. You have to show grace to one another, and understand you will mess up a time or two. No one mistake is worse than the other, you have to find a way to work it out together and not fall back into the blame game.

I focused so much on what he said to me I let my own mouth run amuck and let anger take over. I was so intent on my righteous indignation, that I just looked over the fact that yeah, I messed up. I said I was going to do something and I didn't. I just got the man to buy into drinking this stuff so we can make strides towards being healthier and living longer, he went to the store with me and picked out things he would like, and here I am acting like a fool. I could have potentially stopped him from moving towards a healthier lifestyle.

It's the same with our finances. When our spouses mess up we can be so intent on berating them for the mistakes they make, that we forget that bag of clothes we snuck into the house last week or that pair of shoes we bought that we know we didn't need. We will tear him down and forget we messed up too, like me not paying the water bill. How hurt would I have been if he went ballistic when I told him, “umm yeah, when you get home there won't be any water?” I mean, I already felt bad enough, and his yelling at me would have just made me feel worse.

In dealing with our spouses, we have to show compassion and grace. I love the verses in Proverbs 17:27-28 that says "The one who knows much says little; an understanding person remains calm. Even dunces who keep quiet are thought to be wise; as long as they keep their mouths shut, they’re smart." (MSG) So while I messed up this time and let my anger take over, next time I will speak little and forgive much. 

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for the grace you show us daily. We are grateful that you do not treat us with the same measure we treat our spouses, or with wrath we so deserve for our offenses towards you. You constantly forgive us, showing us new mercies because of your love for us. We thank you that you show us our faults and allow us an opportunity to get it right, with you and with our spouses. God I ask you to bridle my tongue so that I am slow to speak out in anger and that I may be quick to forgive as I have been forgiven. Help me not to focus on what my husband has done, but to look at what I can do to be more compassionate and loving towards him. Let me not hold up his shortcoming, minimizing my wrong doings. Help me to be supportive and encouraging. Help me to speak with more kindness and understanding. Lord you have brought us so far, help me not to be a stumbling block in our continued growth. Lord I rejoice in our victory through you. Thank you for our glorious future. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Son You Need A Job

Son You Need A Job

Our son is 16, a junior in high school, and I think it's time he gets a part-time job, to learn responsibility, self-reliance, and the value of money. And while my husband and I agree, the process to get him there is more about me than it is about him.

Background

My son turned 16 last June and got his driver’s license that August. He played football and because of practice twice a day, and football camps, getting a summer job at that time was not feasible. After he suffered his second concussion, football was over for him.  Naturally, I thought after he recuperated he would be "hitting the pavement" to find a part-time job. I would tell him, “I saw a sign (at so and so place) that they are hiring," or "Have you put an application in (at this and that place)? I think I saw some new faces." I'm thinking, come on son you need to get a job.

You see, as his mother I was worried. He's 16, I have one more year with him and I need to get him prepared to start standing on his own two feet. The real truth is I see him, being a little aimless, and I wonder inside quietly, will he be the person that God has determined he will be? I ask my husband in exasperation, what are we going to do about our son? I just don't understand.

For me it's hard to understand why he doesn't have a part-time job, a side hustle to have some money in his pocket, like mowing yards or shoveling snow. I am also concerned because I don't see that he has a viable plan for after high school. It's so foreign to me, because by the age of thirteen I knew what I wanted to become, what I planned to study in college, and had a summer job. By 16 I had savings, an after school job, and still had my summer job. As a senior in high school I paid my own expenses, had visited several schools, and had obtained scholarships to help pay for my education. I took classes in high school, joined clubs and participated in activities that would prepare me for the future. I was a type A personality, on maximum drive full steam ahead.

Insight

My frustration with our son, I am finding is affecting my conversation with my husband. I pray and pray, “God help our son to be the person you have created him to be,” but when I speak to my husband I am saying, "why aren't you making him do this or that?" My fear is that this lack of motivation is a glimpse of what is to come, an unmotivated child becomes an unmotivated adult. I often worry about where my son would be should something happen to my husband and I? So my fear for him has begun to consume me.

My son is a very laid back guy, who is not easily ruffled. He does things in his own timeframe and you cannot push him into doing something he does not want to do. This is a great attribute because he does not succumb to peer pressure, but as a take charge ‘do what I say’ mom, you can imagine my frustration. He is so much like my husband in that way; I run around high strung, a mile a minute, while my husband takes one task at a time until it's all done. I want to see actual progress, where he says, “if we do what we are suppose to do, all will be as it is suppose to be.”

My husband and I are two completely different people and our son is an interesting mix of us both. In realizing that my way is not working, I am trying harder to get myself out of the way and let God and my husband help mold him into the man he is suppose to be. My husband tells me that I have to let go of the reigns and let God guide him, and I can honestly say that it is the hardest thing to do. As we were at an all night prayer service, Proverbs 19:20-21 was a scripture provided for us to meditate on "Hear counsel, receive instruction, and accept correction, that you may be wise in the time to come. Many plans are in a man's mind, but it is the Lord's purpose for him that will stand." (AMP). Ouch, are my worries more about my plan for his life than God's plan for his life?  I had to ask God, “do I really mean not my will or do I mean let Your will be done?”

Victory

As simple as it may seem, I have to start looking at why am I letting this consume me I have always told our son "A man should always have money in his pocket but it should be gained by the work of his own hands." I have never wanted him to be a deadbeat, slothful, or an unaccomplished person. My desire for our son is that financially he will be self sufficient and that he will not suffer. My husband says our son may have to come to the end of himself, and hit rock bottom, before he gets an understanding of what he needs to do to take care of himself. Oh Lord, can I sit there and see that happen and not intervene?

I want our son to have a healthy relationship with work, and money, so he can take care of himself and his family. In my mind, that equates with being financially comfortable.  At the prayer service however, someone spoke on how we all want a life of comfort while here on earth, and we want to enjoy all of the financial blessings that comfort brings, but that is not what God promised us. In Hebrews 12:1-2 God says don't get tripped up by the baggage or sin of this world, "So then let’s also run the race that is laid out in front of us, since we have such a great cloud of witnesses surrounding us. Let’s throw off any extra baggage, get rid of the sin that trips us up, and fix our eyes on Jesus, faith’s pioneer and perfecter. He endured the cross, ignoring the shame, for the sake of the joy that was laid out in front of him, and sat down at the right side of God’s throne" (CEB). As his mother I am trying to bypass God in the perfecting of our son so he can walk in the fullness of what God has destined for him.

Humph, I did not like hearing that, but it is true. We as a people of God cannot grow without testing. We cannot realize God is the supplier of all our needs unless we need something. Our son cannot become a man if he is not left on his own to work it out for himself. Sure he's only 16 but next year he will be finished with high school and he is going to have to determine what he is going to do with his life. I cannot do it for him.

My husband tells him, and me too (because I need to hear it), when he gets done with high school he has three choices: 1) College 2) The Military or 3) Get a full time job, whichever of the three he chooses he will be taking care of himself. I hear it and think he cannot take care of himself if he doesn't even have a work ethic. So I am frantic, trying to make sure that I have taught him all the lessons I think he should know before May of 2015 gets here. The truth is we are continually learning and growing with every breath we take and every day we live. We learn so much more from our failures than our successes.

As his mom I want him to succeed and to shield him from failure. I want him to be successful in life, but he has to want it for himself. I say I want him to learn to depend on God but I don't want him to go through the process of getting to a point of dependence on God. How can he ever know God is his redeemer if he's never been redeemed? How can I teach him to stand on his own two feet if I don't push him out into the world and let him see what it means to have to provide for himself?

Success is measured differently for every person. My greatest desire for our son should be for God to be pleased with him. I do believe that without a vision or a plan, a person will fall into despair but the plan should be measured by what God has set forth for that person, not by what we have made up in our own minds. I have to truly let go and let God have rule in this situation, not let my fears for his future frustrate me or my husband. I have to speak in one voice with my husband, to make it clear to our son that he will be responsible for himself. I have to believe that if he has to suffer on his road to being the man he is to be, that's ok, and that God will provide but he has to believe it for himself. So while it's true he needs to get a job, he needs to get a relationship with God and let God direct his path.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for the grace and mercy you give to us. Thank you for every trial you have seen us through. Thank you for the refiner's fire we have endured in the perfecting of our soul. God we are so grateful you do not leave us to die the death we so rightly deserve but you sent your son, dying on the cross under the weight of all our sins. God we are so grateful for the children you have blessed us with, whether they are biological, adoptive or our spiritual children. Lord you know our children can be a weight we carry. We can be consumed with concern for them. We know you have desire that they will know you as their Lord and Savior and we turn them over to you today God. We give them to you Lord to do what you will with them and through them. We know that the walk with you is not always easy and that some will come to know you at an early age and some will have to suffer before they come to know that you are the one true and living God. Father, we plead the blood of Jesus over their lives, that their destiny in you will not be aborted but that they turn themselves fully over to you. Lord we pray for their minds, that they will come to an understanding of who they are in you. We pray for their hearts that their generation will be the one that will not turn from you all the days of their lives. We pray for their souls, that they will not become prey at the devils hand being bold to preach your good news to the nations. We pray for their bodies that they will be pure, uncorrupted until marriage or your return. We know that you can keep them from falling and that your plan for them is greater than any plan we as their parents could ever have for them. Thank you for entrusting them to us and we give them back to you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Separate Does Not Equal Unity

Separate Does Not Equal Unity

I recall there was a time in our marriage that I was so frustrated with our financial condition I would often say to my husband "Ok, you put your money in your own account and I will put mine in my own and we will just see at the end of the month who has money left!" We couldn't agree on the littlest things and it just seemed easier, financially, to just go our separate ways. I had given up the fight and I had just resigned myself to the fact that things were not going to get better. I wonder, if we look at why we really do things separately in marriage, would we understand what our true motivation is? Are we really walking in unity?

Background

When I was growing up, my grandparents and my parents worshiped at separate churches. We didn't know there was any other way; that was just the way we were raised. As kids we would have to choose who we were going to go to church with, missing out on spending time with friends. We hardly ever went out to eat on Sunday as a family, as the two churches often let out at different times. As I got older I noticed that was not the only pattern of being separate that I saw as examples of how to operate in a marriage.


There were separate checking accounts, separate groups of friends, and just that general sense of, “I'm going to share only so much with you, but there are certain areas in my life that you are just not going to have access to.” I thought to myself, “When I grow up and get married, my husband and I are not going to be like that. We are going to share everything, living truly by ‘what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours’.” Does not scripture say in Amos 3:3 "Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren’t going to the same place?" (MSG)?


Then, within the first three months of our marriage, I quickly realized we did not share the same views on handling money, what friends to hang out with, or even a similar work effort. While my husband was finishing up school, I continued to work out of town and would only come home on the weekends. While home on weekends, I would cook enough food for the week for him so he wouldn't have to spend money eating out. However, while I was away, he would spend money on this and that, including eating out. I guess he didn't like what I cooked, and because I had not budgeted for his spending, our account would become overdrawn. I would then come home fussing and fighting making what should have been three days of wedded newlywed bliss, a war zone.


So in an effort to resolve the conflict, I thought, “Let's just separate our accounts. You have your money to spend as you like, and since I make most of the money, I will pay most of the bills and spend my excess money on what I like.” As you can imagine, this was not the best way to handle this conflict. Sure we didn't fight as much about money, but we also were not walking in unity. What we actually ended up doing, was simply sweeping the problem under the rug, and not being accountable to one another, all while continuing to make bad financial decisions, becoming separate as we went along.

Insight

When my husband finished school we moved to Kansas City. Determined to make a fresh start, we combined our finances and pledged to work together as a team. We, however, hadn't changed our bad habits. We worshipped separately, and we still operated out of selfishness concerning money. We were heading on a path of being married but living separate lives. After about four years of marriage, and having experienced difficulty in conceiving, we were finally expecting! Knowing how I grew up, I was determined not to raise our child the same way. I wanted our family to worship together, and since my husband would not attend any other church other than his home church, that meant I had to worship with him.


Although we were starting to make headway in operating in unity, difficulties with my pregnancy and an order of bed rest caused more financial strain. Then our son was born about a month premature, and our finances took a nose dive. We were at our wits en, and had to make some changes. We were forced to either walk together in unity and fight our way out of this mess or we would destroy ourselves in the process. We couldn’t point the finger at one another, and we couldn’t say to the other, “You fix your mess, and I will fix mine.” We had to say, “Let’s find a way and fix this together.”


We had to become like-minded, and understand that we were in this together, and that the word of God was to be our guide. We knew that the Bible instructs us that wives are to respect their husbands, when their husbands submit themselves to God, and that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. However, in order for that to happen, we must first learn to love each other without doubt or hesitation. Colossians 3:12-17 instructs us "So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it. Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." (MSG). Love puts the needs and desires of the other above our own. Love also thinks highly of the other, always believing the best in the other.


For me I had to give up the notion that I knew more than him and that he was trying to bring me down. I had to understand that while we may see things differently, coming from different life experiences, we want to get to the same destination. I had to fight the urge to flee or remove myself when things got difficult. My desire to separate our finances was because: 1) I didn't want to submit, 2) In the back of my mind I feared our relationship would not work and I didn't want a negative financial circumstance to affect me in the future, and 3) I did not believe God could work it out. I saw my husband, and our marriage, as a temporary situation and I didn't want to put the work into understanding our marriage as a lifelong covenant.


We've heard that marriage is a covenant that requires blood to seal it and death to break it, while commitment is a contract that has provisions to mutually end it. The cost of unity is great and requires sacrifice to bring it into being. Unity is not easy; it hurts to be on the same page. To walk in unity means that someone will have to sacrifice their desires, and we don't want to be the one to have to make that sacrifice. This is what I saw growing up. No one wanted to make the sacrifice to walk in unity, so it was easier to be separate living under one roof.

Victory

In my formative years I didn't see people working together in marriage. As we worshiped at the same church together, we had the opportunity to hear the same word being preached from the pulpit. We were then able to receive it in our own hearts and apply it to our marriage. I had not seen that before. The first marriage retreat we attended that our church sponsors every year profoundly changed us. It breathed a new life in us, but more importantly it allowed me to see marriages that were healthy and thriving. These marriages had longevity, and gave me a glimpse of what I could experience in marriage if I just got out of my own way.


Once we got on the same page, our marriage experienced a peace that seemed impossible in those early years. It hasn't always been easy; we have to make conscious decisions to walk in unity daily. We had to give up the notion that we can do better on our own, than together; understanding that we are in it for the long haul. When you see your marriage as permanent, you are less likely to accept a life that is less than what you know it can be. It was easier for me to give up the fight and just say you have your money and I will have mine.


Now we say "no we are not willing to accept anything less than what God has for us." We worship together, we work in ministry together, we handle our finances together, we socialize together and our next journey is to pray and study the word of God together. The word of God says "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:20 KJV), and that applies to my marriage. We can come together, in unity, praying and believing God can do anything for us, with us and through us. Together we are strong, unbreakable, and not easily defeated. We have someone who is in the fight together, who has my back, and will intercede on my behalf. Life is easier when you travel the road with someone else, and when you have someone there to share the load with you. There is peace, comfort, and strength in unity and I thank God for it.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for your word that instructs us of your desire for our life and our marriage. We thank you God for our spouse, our grace gift, our helpmate, our companion to share life's journey with. God, we ask that you help us to discard our desire to separate ourselves from our spouse and give us a greater desire for unity in our marriage. Help us put away our selfishness and self-centeredness, and to begin to think more of the other than we do of ourselves. Father, we rebuke the circumstances of our past. We rebuke those things that tell us we can go at it alone, that we do not need our spouse, or that are against us. Help us to not let anything come between us as a couple and help us to walk in unity, and follow the precepts you have outlined for us in your word. Lord we invite you into our hearts and our marriage; we honor your lordship in our lives. We will not look back at what once was but will move forward thanking you for what you have brought us out of and the victory that is before us. Help us in all our decisions to be unified with our spouse and we declare our marriage is a schism free zone. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

The Seduction Of Inadequacy

The Seduction Of Inadequacy

I was elated when I heard that Lupita Nyong'o had won the Oscar for Supporting Actress for her portrayal of Patsy in 12 Years A Slave. I was so taken with her grace and beauty I started watching video excerpts from the many speeches she had given during the Hollywood Awards season. One speech in particular was during the Essence Seventh Annual Black Women in Hollywood on black beauty. In the speech she spoke of how she did not feel beautiful because of her dark skin. Images around her of black beauty were not of darker skinned women, and she began to feel less than and she used a phrase called "The Seduction of Inadequacy."

Background

That phrase so spoke to me I began to ponder on what areas in my life I had begun to feel inadequate. Whether it was because of someone else's image of me or because I lacked self-esteem, I too have been seduced by feelings of inadequacy. I mean who hasn't faltered, concerning self-esteem, a time or two? It is however when we wallow in self pity, and paralyze ourselves with inactivity, that we let the seduction of inadequacy overtake us.

When I was a Senior in high school I had an opportunity to study abroad in France. I began to let the fear of being so far away from home overtake me. I began to think I was not strong enough, or smart enough to make it through nine months in a foreign land. The lure of giving up because things are too hard took over me and I have at times so easily fallen into accepting less than because I thought I couldn't.

It was not until I really got an understanding of who I was in God, that I began to see myself as something more than what others thought of me; more than what I thought of myself. I had to put this in practice while working for a local business. I had been hired on as an accounting manager, working directing under the VP of finance. The company, in its five year strategy planning, was developing a succession plan. The VP would become the President and I was making a case to be promoted to the VP of Finance. The President looked at me and told me I would never be the VP of Finance and in his opinion, I would not be that for any company. That was like a cheap shot to the gut. I was hurt, dismayed but more importantly, I started to believe he could be right. 

Insight

I'm sure in his mind he was just helping me. In the time I had been with the company they had supported me in several endeavors and had been very kind to me and my family. However, telling me to lower my aspirations, not only with his company but in life in general, was not kind for me. If I had listened to him, and let the seduction of inadequacy take over I would not be the person I am today.

How many of us have let someone else's opinion of us change how we see ourselves? What about looking at our current situation and letting that determine where we will be later in life? How about looking at our current financial mess and saying it will never get better, I can't get myself out of debt, or I can't get a better job? Don't let what you currently see or what you have been through stop you from the future God has destined for you. You were created to be great, the greatest you you can be; you just have to believe it.

In a recent Sunday service our praise and worship team sang a song that really touched the pulpit conductor. He read the following scripture in Ephesians 3:20 "God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us." (MSG). It just blessed me so much. God can do it all, anything we could ever imagine, more than we can imagine but He has to have something to work with. God is telling us that anything is possible in Him, we just have to believe it. I have to believe I am more than what people say I am, more than what I say I am.

Victory

My husband and I were recently sharing with a couple that when trying to change your financial situation around you have to see past what has been done previously to a new reality God has promised us. If you only see the other person for the flaws, mistakes, bad decisions and bad habits, you will always think of them as that destructive irresponsible person. So everything you say, think and do will keep you thinking less than, inadequate. You will begin to see your marriage as a lost cause, something that is broken and cannot be repaired. But God, as it said in Ephesians, can do anything! Your situation can be turned around for the good, but you have to believe it.

When I was meditating on the scripture, one thing stood out to me, it’s not about God, it’s about me. I have to believe I can be great. In my finances I have to believe my family will be debt free, we will have the finances for all our needs and wants, and will be a blessing to the kingdom of God through our giving. We begin to understand that we have to be systematic in our approach to our finances.

We learned the value of making short term sacrifices for a greater good. We advise others to put a name on every savings you have from your budget and every time you don’t splurge on an item, use the money you would have used to splurge, on a debt you are paying off. It will change the way you look at things. Change from a negative, “I can't or I'm sacrificing something,” to, “This is what we get to pay off earlier than planned.” By doing this we have an eye towards a greater future in which God can work on us and through us to be more. So now we are living a life that is more than, as opposed to less than.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, thank you for the blessings you have bestowed upon us. We thank you for loving us more than we love ourselves. We thank you for the promise of more. More life, more health, more love, more peace, more wealth, more generosity, more pushing the kingdom of God. Lord help us to be free to serve you more, unburdened by our financial situations. God help us to not be satisfied with living less than what you have for us. Stir up our faith, oh Lord. We believe that you can and will do all things, we just have to believe. Lord we believe. We believe in you, in your word, your Holy Spirit, in your power, your love, and in our eternal place with you. Lord thank you for not giving up on us and not letting us give up on us. Because of your promise we have a future and for that we are grateful. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Producer or a Parasite

Producer or a Parasite

Recently we were driving and I saw a political sign which caught my attention. By its very nature, it was created to illicit a deep vitriolic response. Although it created a response in me, it was not the one it intended. It got me to thinking and I ask the question: In the financial condition within your marriage are you a producer or a parasite?

Background

I know of a woman who has been married for 19 years and her husband has not worked for the last 13 years. When I first met her, she would tell me how her husband was a house husband, and he did not work, because his job was to care of the kids. I thought how progressive. I'm not sure I could do that, going off to work every day while my husband got to stay at home doing all the mommy stuff I'd want to do. Then, the longer I got to know her the more I found out it was just a facade, a story she told people to explain why her husband did not work.

You see he was not helping their family, as I saw it looking from the outside. When the children got sick, or needed to be picked up early from school, she would have to take off of work early. When they were out of school for holidays or on school breaks, she would have to take them to a relative so she wouldn't have to take off from work. Then I got to wondering, “What is he doing if she's working every day and running around with the kids?”

Insights

There was a time in our marriage when I did not work traditionally outside the home. I was so excited when I up and quit my job, that I could be a stay at home mom. I never really thought that was my lot in life, but as we developed a deeper walk in Christ, I felt like this is just the way it's supposed to be. Well after a couple months, I quickly found out it wasn't for me. I then decided I'm going to start my own business. Not as an accountant, for which I had years of education and training, but I wanted to be creative. I wanted to create floral arrangements and make candles, for sale.

I was gung ho, turning part of our garage into my workshop! I spent days out buying supplies, making business cards and going to every craft show I could find. Now, I knew I needed to make some money. Our son was still in private school, so I would take the occasional temporary contract job to do the books for some local small business that was in between bookkeepers or accounts but my heart was totally sold out for this new business venture.

I would be so wrapped up in my own thing that I may or may not cook that day. I would sign up for 2-4 day craft shows, expecting my husband to cover everything while I was building my empire. It had gotten to the point where we were fighting daily about the money I was taking out of the household. I had become a parasite. Merriam-Webster defines a parasite as "an animal or plant that lives in or on another animal or plant and gets food or protection from it". Ouch that hurt!

Why do I share these two stories? For some of us we are or may be married to someone who operates as a parasite financially in our marriage. They take, take, take and give very little back in return. Some of us have started businesses using the family money to fund it, but more and more of the money is going to the business and the family is beginning to suffer because of it. Others of us are in a constant state of unemployment, not because there are no jobs, but because we don't want to work or don't want to work doing what's available. For some we have made a decision to simply not contribute.

Please hear me; I AM NOT talking about stay at home moms who are taking care of the children and the home. I salute those who are working tirelessly to take care of their home. There is a special grace that I admire in those who do that. I am also not talking to those who cannot work for whatever reason, such as health related. I am talking to those, who for whatever reason are making their family's financial condition tenuous. Proverbs 19:14-16 says this "House and land are handed down from parents, but a congenial spouse comes straight from God. Life collapses on loafers; lazybones go hungry. Keep the rules and keep your life; careless living kills." (MSG). I say to those for whom this applies...Get up, get out and get to working!

Victory

In the back of my mind I felt I deserved to take some time to figure out what I wanted to do. I have been working since I was 13, and for the first five years of our marriage I was the main bread winner. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought my husband owed me. However what I was doing was bringing us down. Since I knew I did not want to go back to working a 9-5, I had to figure out what I wanted to do. The more calls I received to work as a consultant to small businesses, the more God's plan revealed itself to me.

Today I can say that financially I am an asset to my family. Through honest conversations we developed a plan we both could agree on. It's not about equal contribution but it is about equal effort. While I don't work full time, I do contribute financially, I am there for my son as we are preparing him to graduate High School next year, and I have freedom to work on some things that fulfill me.

We have learned to not be selfish, and to think more highly of our family than of ourselves. What are the steps you need to take to stop walking in selfishness? Are you a producer or a parasite? Hopefully you will vow to be a producer from this point forward. If you are married to a parasite, first pray, then go to them in love, showing them the family's financial condition. In love, stress to them the importance of not only contributing to the household, but adding to it more than they are taking away from.

In life we all have moments when we are walking in a state of either being a producer or a parasite. It's however in the prolonged states of being a parasite that we must examine ourselves and find out what is really going on within us. For me, I found it was a sense of entitlement and a little resentment. So I had to grow up, get over it and get back to work.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for this day you have created. We thank you Lord for the press you have put in us to be better than our current situation. Lord, give us insight on how to change our situation, to make us producers and not parasites. God give us favor with man, showing us where we can either get employment or get promotions. Lord, help us not to be resentful and selfish, giving us a desire to help our family and not hurt them. Help us Father to encourage our spouses and support them. Let us grow and mature, so that we see that money and finance has been given to us to support and grow the Kingdom and not for our own personal gain. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen

The Power of the Purse

THE POWER OF THE PURSE

We performed a very small unscientific poll concerning money issues in marriage. The results were that the issue that concerned the participants most were who is responsible for managing the money. The next issue that concerned the participants was his spending and tied for third was shopping for yourself and business expenses. I can relate concerning money management, but I wonder if the issue for some is more: Who is best at handling the money as opposed to who should handle the money in the marriage.

Background

Most of the women in my life manage the money for their family, but there are a few whose husbands handle the money. What I have found, including myself is, that all wish it was the opposite. For me, I find that since I handle money as a profession, I really desire that my husband would manage our money. You see for me the management is a tremendous responsibility. I also believe that as a godly home, with my husband being the head of our home, he should lead out in all things. I want him to be the main bread winner, manage the money, help out with household chores and be a pillar in the church as well as the community. I expect a lot from him.

For me it really is about power and responsibility. As the person who has the total responsibility, I feel it necessary to make sure that not only are the bills paid on time, and we have the necessary savings, but also we have money carved out for vacations, entertainment, maintenance and upkeep, college funds and most importantly tithes and offerings at church. Because I know what we do or don't have I feel like I don't have the luxury to splurge on frivolous things for myself. I don't take the responsibility lightly.

As I see things in terms of expenses vs. income, wants vs. needs, necessary vs. unnecessary, I add up the numbers everywhere, with just about everything. It can be a weight, a burden, and at times I feel like I buckle under the pressure. I am often envious of my husband and what I see as a laissez faire attitude about our finances.

Insights

When I talk to my friends and family who manage their family's finances I hear some of the same frustrations. What I came to understand was the underlying feeling that they don't have the support of their spouse. Because of this frustration they want to abdicate the burden to their spouse. However, on the other side, these wives feel like their husbands are not managing the money properly and feel that they could do a better job. While others feel like their husbands treat them like a child doling out the money like a kid waiting for their allowance.

In either circumstance there is something missing: communication. As with all things in marriage, the managing of money should be a partnership. There are no hard and fast rules that say one sex should manage the money over the other. The only rule is whoever is able to better manage the money should. If you are not organized, meticulous, and self-disciplined you should NOT manage the family's money. However, if this is your husband, you have to communicate with him and pray he comes to the same conclusion as you.

Often those who manage the family's money, and may not be doing it well, are reluctant to release that responsibility. There is a power dynamic that comes with this responsibility. This person is in control, knowing where and how much is available, to spend when and where they see fit. For men it can be an ego thing, while for women it's a security thing; I fall in this category. I have to know I'm secure. I like to know that the bills are paid, I have a roof over my head, and my needs are met. By managing the finances, I will know if all is well. If there are areas that need to be strengthened, then I can make a plan to straighten things out. While I say I want my husband to take over, in fact I really don't.

What I really want is for all the weight and the pressure to not be on me. I often think I shouldn't have to work, take care of our son, serve in the church and manage the money as well. Then I think of the Proverbs 31 wife. She did it all, she was a business woman, managed her household, the finances and the children. As wives we are to be helpmates for our husbands. So if I'm to help, then I must do just that. If I'm better at it, and making my living managing money, and have been educated in that field, why shouldn't I?

On the other hand, if he is better at it, as a helpmate I should do everything I can to make it easier on him. Don't fight him for control of the money. Don't act out, if he has a plan to get your family out of debt by raging against cuts to your spending. In the long run you and your entire family will be better for it and you will appreciate it. Whoever is managing the money must be fair, balanced, wise, intentional and not punitive or misleading.

Victory

I remember when we first got married my husband didn't have a checking account so I just added him to mine. He was in school and I worked almost three hours away. I quickly found out that he was not always wise with spending. Soon it became necessary to have two accounts, 1 for him to use during the week, while I was away working, on food and school expenses; and one for the household bills. We did that because when it was one account he would use money without budgeting, then when it was time to pay bills we would be short. Then there would be arguments. We started off all wrong. I did not share with him what bills we had, when they were due, how much I made, or what goals I had for us in the future. All I ever did was say you have this much, only and don't spend any more.

At the same time I was telling him don't, I may come home with something new. It would appear I was saying to him you can do this but I can do that. I had to learn that whoever handles the money must be transparent when it comes to money, often being the one to make sacrifices so the other partner doesn't feel like a child. The moment the relationship is perceived to be a child parent dynamic, it is out of balance and you have to sit down and develop a plan where it becomes equal. We had developed early a child parent dynamic when I was always the one saying no, no, no and he was always the one acting out.

Today we are on the same page and we play to each other's strengths. He is a big picture guy and I'm the small detail girl. It helps us both. Where I might be prone to say no we can't he says let's see if we can. He might say let's do this, it will cost this. I then go back to the budget work on the numbers and say okay maybe we can or no the numbers say we can't. We are equal with a different approach.

Should he handle the day to day tasks? Sometimes it sure would be nice, but I know that's not who he is. What I had to understand is that the true management of our money is by God. This scripture made it clear for me, Proverbs 21:1 "Good leadership is a channel of water controlled by God; he directs it to whatever ends he chooses." (MSG) I am getting sided tracked by the wrong things. It doesn't matter who handles the money, ultimately God manages it all in the end. God made us the way we are so that we can work in tandem with each other's strengths. So we stopped focusing on each other's weaknesses and made it work for our family.

Prayer

God we thank you for this day you have created. This new day where we marvel at all you have made, even ourselves. God, I am in awe of you and how you have made us fitly joined together. Thank you for making us just the way you did. God I am grateful for your working in us and through us to make each other better, iron sharpening iron. Lord let us not focus on where we lack but let us praise where we are strong. Help us to forgive each other’s shortcomings. Let us remember we too have flaws but you have forgiven us for each and every one of them. We thank you for the growth you are developing in us and we praise your name for the finished work. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

The Power Of The Purse - Redux

The Power of the Purse - Redux

We performed a very small unscientific poll concerning money issues in marriage. The results were that the issue that concerned the participants most was who is responsible for managing the money in marriages. I had intended to write a completely difference blog but the Lord but this scripture in my spirit Proverbs 21:1-2 "Good leadership is a channel of water controlled by God; he directs it to whatever ends he chooses. We justify our actions by appearances; God examines our motives."(MSG). So my question is what is the motive behind who manages the finances and what are our motives for wanting to change the status quo?

Background

I wanted to write about who should and who should not manage the money in your family. What my experiences were and the resolution my family came to. But as I was mulling this over we went out of town to attend a marriage retreat this weekend that my church sponsors. I register couples for this event and before we went I received a call from a wife who wanted to cancel their registration.

When we first started talking she was talking about how he this and he that. But as we talked more it became evident that she had decided it wasn't worth going and she was ready to give up. I started sharing with her how my marriage had hit a rough patch a few years ago. We decided to go to counseling but I had only agreed to counseling so I could say I had tried everything while in the back of my mind I had already intended to leave.

You see I had been hurt, very badly by my husband. His story is not for me to share but I can share my reaction. I was angry, hurt, I lost confidence in the love he professed he had for me and I lost confidence in myself. As a wife, a mother, a lover, my whole world view had been turned upside down. I couldn't get passed it. So I withheld everything from him, love, affection, trust, my very being I could no longer give him, any part of me.

What does this have to do with finances? I would venture to guess, everything for some.

Insight

Money is a very emotional issue for a lot of people and therefore it is a very emotional issue in a lot of marriages. For some the control or the management of money in your home is a way to get and/or maintain control in an out of control situation. So my question is why are we concerned with who is or should be handling the finances for our family?

For me I started out managing our finances because I knew what to do. My husband had never managed money before but really it was because I was making the money, I felt I should handle it and I didn't trust him. Then when it appeared early on that his was reckless or so I thought, it just confirmed to me that he couldn't handle it. Then because of bad decisions we both made I wanted him to take over because I didn't want the stress and responsibility when it got too hard.

Those who are not satisfied with their current financial situation will want change, whether you are the one managing the finances or its your spouse. What is your true motivation? Scripture tells us the once who is leading in the area of finance is controlled by God and if God is not leading them then they must examine their motives. Do you want change because you think you can do it better? Do you think your spouse is irresponsible with money? Are things tough and you do not want the responsibility anymore? Have you given up and don't want to stay in the fight? What is the real reason?

Victory

It really doesn't matter who handles you finances if you are both not on the same page, in the fight together and equally willing to make the sacrifices necessary for your family to have financial victory. When I made the decision to stay in the relationship I made the decision to fight for our marriage, to put in the work. I had to let go of past hurts and learn to forgive. Once I learned to forgive then I had to learn to forget. I heard someone say once that forgiveness is forgetting the hurt associated with the pain someone has caused you. It’s not about forgetting the act but not dwelling on the pain, letting it re-injure you over and over again.

It's the same with finances. Having a fresh start, with whoever is managing the finances, is not about remembering the mistakes that were made but working together to not make them and others again. We all make financial mistakes; we've all had financial indiscretions. It's what you determine to do from this point forward that counts. Let God be the leader in your home.

Pray together, share the responsibilities and the decisions. There has to be a point where you no longer operate separately but as a unit. They say in any organization you are only as strong as your weakest link. Don't dwell on the weaknesses but learn to strengthen each other. We learned in our marriage I am good with the details while he is good with the big picture. He sees the vision and I make the plans. I am not a big picture kind of person.

It would be foolish for me to try and walk in something that God has not made me to be. Don't worry about who is responsible for what, that is childish. The question really should be how can I make things better. When you focus on what you can do to make things better you don't get weighed down in trivialities. Let God lead you, worry about yourself and it will get better.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you that you love us so much you sent your son to die on the cross for our sins. You have made a way that we may reconcile ourselves back to you. Thank you that you forgive our sins. We ask you Lord to help us to forgive our spouse and that our spouse will forgive us of our sins. Father help us to get past the pains and hurts that have been visited on us. Let us walk in what God has called us to be and not envy someone else's gifting. Let us be satisfied in the way you have made us, perfecting ourselves so that we represent you well in marriage. Help our marriages be good examples for others to follow. Not for our own glory but for your glory. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen

Is He Trippin?

Is He Trippin?

It's been weighing on me for a little bit, this notion that my husband is really tripping! Very rarely does he make a stand or make absolute statements but when he does my mind really convulses and I wonder is it him or is it me.

Background

Several years ago I had a decent start to retirement savings in my 401(k). Then we bought our first house and needed it, along with a little help from others, to make a down payment. So I cashed it in and that was the end of my retirement fund. It didn't bother me too much until we started paying attention to my husband's retirement fund. You see while I started my own business, working part time as a consultant so I could be available to run around with our son, he was continuing to be wise and prepare for the future.

Then we got a statement from his former employer, his first full time job, and he had a little money that was sitting in a fund. He was supposed to cash it out and we would pay off some bills we had…that was the agreement. A year would go by another statement would come in the mail and he still hadn't cashed it out. He would make another promise to do so and this went on for a few years. Finally seeing that this was not going to happen, I started talking about taking some of our savings, and me starting an investment account as well. We established an amount, but it took a couple more years before that happened.

So last year after we paid off more credit cards, we agreed on an amount we would use to establish an investment account. I waited a little bit for him to come along, researched which company to use, which stocks or funds to invest in and what amounts; but he didn't move. So I took half of what we said we would use and opened the account. I invested in a stock and a fund I had talked with him about and off I went. I showed him what I did, would give him updates on how it was performing and I waited. Waited for him to say let's invest the rest.

When it didn't happen (in the time frame I thought it should,) I then decided I should invest the rest. I researched, made a list of funds/stocks I found interesting, and started watching their performance. When I felt I had enough information, I went to him and said, with a hint of a question in my voice, “I think we should invest the rest here.” He told me no, and that he wanted to do it together because he didn't know what I did the first time! What?

Insights

As we have been fasting with our church and I have been doing an additional period of fasting with a group of women, all these things come up. This has been a seven year process. I would say ordeal but choosing the right words is paramount in all situations. I was sitting down with a lovely woman from our church. Why I brought this whole process up, I have no idea. I was telling her how I was worried about retirement, how he has money set aside and I don't. I told her how we agreed and how I shouldn't be penalized because he was slow to act. How he said he didn't know what I had done but I had told him everything; and how he has money designated through his job, that he didn't consult with me about. He, he, he, he....he's trippin!

In her nice and smiling way, she said I know, I know Frenchette. You see she shared with me that she was going through some of the same struggles but hers were 20 years further in the future than were mine. She shared she had the same concerns about being at retirement age and not having enough income, from her working years, to draw social security because she had worked in the home for so many years. She had some of the same concerns but from a place of maturity she could tell me to stop letting this one issue consume me. It wasn't him it was me. I was trippin!

I told her, as we tried to look at it from his point of view, that my husband always tells me when I say I don't have this or that concerning retirement, that his is not his, its ours. When he says that I think inwardly, probably outwardly, I just roll my eyes. He looks at our futures as joint futures together. So whatever he has we both have. There is no mine or yours. For me I still have some deep seeded issue of not protecting myself just in case. Boy do I still have some growing up to do!

Take Away

I just thank God he sends people into your life to help you make small course corrections. My interaction with my wonderful wise sister in Christ reminds me of these verses "Your job is to speak out on the things that make for solid doctrine. Guide older men into lives of temperance, dignity, and wisdom, into healthy faith, love, and endurance. Guide older women into lives of reverence so they end up as neither gossips nor drunks, but models of goodness. By looking at them, the younger women will know how to love their husbands and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don’t want anyone looking down on God’s Message because of their behavior. Also, guide the young men to live disciplined lives." Titus 2:1-6 (MSG). At that very moment, before it grew into something that could drive a wedge between the two of us, God sent her to me so I could get it together.

Will we have a conversation, yes. Will I let it consume me and cause me to start having negative thoughts about and start acting out to my husband, no. I have a new perspective and sometimes that's really all we need. Just over the last two weeks the stock market has been on a roller coaster and is predicted to be that way for some time. There is a very real possibility we could lose that investment. What if we did and I was operating on my own and not as a team? That could put a wedge between us because we are not on one accord.

I will wait until my husband is ready to move. This situation is like when God gives us a tiny view of his plan for us. We sometimes charge ahead before he gives us the go ahead. When we move before he says move we are operating in our own will and not the will of God. My very wise friend showed me this. I so love how even when we are acting out, God sends us someone who can give us the kick in the right direction. My talk with her really showed me it's not about yours or mine but really to see it from his point of view, OURS. I see where his outlook is at our future together. I need to see that his intention is to take care of us. Don't be like me and let your insecurities take over your life and mess up the blessings that God has for you.

Prayer

Heavenly Father we thank you for the people you put in our lives. How you send angels to us to get us back on track, getting us to move in the direction in which we should go. Lord govern our mouths and our minds to not speak against what you would have for us. Lord thank you for the husband you have given me that cares for me and who wants to take care of me. Thank you that he is wanting the best for me and is not easily swayed when I act out of insecurity. Lord I pray for my husband and his leadership in our family. Help me to follow where he leads and give him heavenly insight so that he leads according to your plan. I pray for financial peace and I say, this day, Lord I believe you will provide all that we need in this present moment and in the future to come. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

The Joneses Who?

The Joneses Who?

Our Co-Pastor was preaching the other night and she got me to thinking. She talked about how people should not try to do what they did, spending wise. People will see someone wearing a different suit every week and think I want to do that. Or just because someone is carrying a designer purse does not mean you need to carry one. Of course I was just amening away, as I believe it's true. Then I had to look at myself and ask who am I trying to keep up with? Who am I trying to keep my husband and son with? Am I trying to keep up with the Joneses?

Background 

Ok I'm going to date myself but when I was in high school the trend of kids wearing expensive tennis shoes was just starting, you remember the first Air Jordans. Me not being an athlete I just wanted them because I wanted to be stylish, I wanted what others had. So my mother, the ever frugal shopper, found us some Pumas at K-Mart, I didn't know where they came from. I really thought I was something with my new white Pumas and my neon green and pink shoe laces. Then as quickly as I was enamored with my shoes, I then hated them because someone told me my mom got them from K-Mart.

Back then K-Mart was seen as a place that people who didn't have much money shopped, a place people looked down on. I was embarrassed, then mad, then I just tossed them to the side, never to wear them again. My mother spent that money, to have me dressing like the other kids, cause I wanted them. Now if she had not been the person she was she could have easily spent a lot of money on some fade, that I really didn't need and would get bored with. Parents will often go broke trying to dress their kids from head to toe with the latest fashions. Trying to compete with the Joneses.

Insights

After my about face on my shoes my mother started having conversations with me about fade vs timeless pieces. She also talked to me about not letting what others have spend my money for me. It was a valuable lesson. We have had the same conversations with our son. I wonder how people will spend their whole paycheck, forgetting about the bills they have to pay to get the latest this or that purse they saw so and so carrying. They will spend half their income on an expensive car only to park it in front of their apartment building. We don't often share how it is more important to use that money to invest in a home of your own and just buy a reasonable car, or drive a less flashy car, we would call that a hoopty, that we paid cash for instead of getting into debt.

People will then in order to afford all the things they want because someone else has it, have to work two or three jobs. They spend all their time at work chasing after the dollar instead of spending time with their family. I signed up to receive text message encouragement about marriage. I received this "Your love of money should not overshadow your love for a healthy marriage. Don't allow money to stress your marriage. Stay on one accord." Trying to keep up with the Joneses is stressful on everyone.

When you try to walk in someone else's anointing, trying to emulate the things others have, it becomes a weight around your neck weighing you down. David's story tells it like this "Then Saul outfitted David as a soldier in armor. He put his bronze helmet on his head and belted his sword on him over the armor. David tried to walk but he could hardly budge. David told Saul, “I can’t even move with all this stuff on me. I’m not used to this.” And he took it all off." 1 Samuel 17:38-39. (MSG) Trying to keep up with the Joneses is really walking in envy.

Our desire to want so much more for our children, our family and ourselves can really be a spirit of envy.We are teaching our kids not to be happy with what they have. We model that for our children and then they live their lives operating out of envy. Envy causes us to spend more than we should, create excessive credit card debt, and really have us bound. We pass on these bad habits to our children, them to their children, so and so forth, it becomes a generational curse, being broke!

As mothers we spend on our children, sometimes, from an emotional place. We want our children to be well liked, not looked on as being different. We equate that to being just as good as someone else. So because we don't have them to be picked on we over buy and teach them to chase after the latest fade. What we are really telling them is without all the trappings of this world you are not good enough, when you get down to it.

Victory

When our son was young we purposed it in our hearts to not run after things. Being an only child it is easy to over indulge. We had to explain to him just because someone else has this or that does not mean we have to have it. We had to train our conversation so that we were not speaking I wish I had what so and so has. We do not make public figures, athletes and actors, the images we are modeling ourselves after.

Do we have nice things? Sure we do. We don't however go into debt to have it. When we built our second home we really had to practice what we preached. We went from a 1700 sq ft home to a 3200 sq ft home, and wow did we have a lot of space to furnish. We paid cash for our dining room and family room furniture and re-purposed the living room, guest bedroom and our son's room. We didn't have enough furniture or money to furnish our bedroom. So for six to eight months we slept on mattress/box springs on the floor and milk crates that served as our night stands.

We could have easily fallen in to the trap that this person we know, or that neighbor we know has all these nice things, we should go out and get into debt to furnish the house. Or when friends and family came over we could have been ashamed because we didn't have bedroom furniture.We had to stand on the belief that what we have or do not have, compared to other people will not define who we are. We were not competing with the Joneses.

When we focus on things outside ourselves to determine our self worth we make those things our idols. Then those idols become the only thing we focus on and all our money, time and talents go to feed that idol. We must realize we are more than enough, God made us perfect just as we are. After all we are made in his image. Our example of who we should be striving to be like is Jesus Christ. No car, shoe, purse, hair, or gadget is going to satisfy us completely. We will only be satisfied when we are content in God.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we come to you today thanking you for your love, grace and mercy. I thank you God for you breaking the spirit of envy from our lives. Thank you for taking those idols from before our eyes and putting our focus back on you. Lord help us to be satisfied in you. Let our desires be for more of you and less for things. We know you tell us that we can have the desires of our hearts, that are according to your will, and our desires are for you Lord Jesus, more of you. Give is the strength to say no to desires of being like someone else and the courage to walk in being who you have created us to be. Help us realize and accept we are more than enough just as we are because we are wonderfully made and are marvelous in thine eyes. We ask all these things in your son's name Jesus Christ. Amen.

Gurl watch yo mouth

Gurl watch yo mouth

At church a few nights ago we were in small groups. We were reading scripture then we were praying the scripture applying it to our lives and the ministries we served in. Then the leader of one of the ministries I serve recalled and shared a scripture from a sermon a guest Pastor had preached. I recalled that same sermon but didn't think much about it. But boy did my spirit man run with it all night. The Lord woke me up with this "Gurl watch yo mouth!"

Insight

A few years ago, shortly after we came out of bankruptcy, my dad's family came to my parents house for a family reunion. I says my dad's family as we have attended four family reunions over the years, my grandmother's family, my grandfather's family, my dad's family, and my husband's family. Ok, ok, I digress. Well anyway I had heard a word in church and I proclaimed "I'm not poor anymore!" They all were stunned a little, kind of laughed and joked, teased a little, then moved on. But you see I was so serious.

Our Pastor's, Apostle Keith Wesley, Pastor, Apostle Skip Horton, had spoke a word from this scripture "The Master, God, has given me a well-taught tongue, So I know how to encourage tired people. He wakes me up in the morning, Wakes me up, opens my ears to listen as one ready to take orders." Isaiah 50:4-9 (MSG) We had just come out of a very trying, embarrassing time. How am I, this person who handles money for so many others, in bankruptcy and having such dire financial problems. We had come out of that and a car repossession, I will share about that at another time, and whew things were finally looking up. We had sold our first home and were building our second. We had been blessed with financing as most places would not touch us. We had a big down payment, proceeds from the sell of our first home, had to pay a couple points but we were just grateful. The whole house building thing was another life lesson for me, but again I digress.

God was really doing something in our lives but I kept finding myself saying I don't have any money. Every time I turned around that was coming out my mouth. My countenance had changed too. Now I believed something, my faith was strong, but my confession was out of line with what God was doing. Then Apostle Horton spoke and my spirit really grabbed on. Look my daddy God owns the cattle in a thousand hills, he created the heavens and the earth. All the wealth in the world he created and gave me dominion over it. If I say I'm a child of God why am I constantly saying "I'm broke". Gurl you betta watch yo mouth!

Victory

I had to begin to confess a new thing and it came out "I'm not poor anymore!" That confession wasn't just for myself but it was for you too. We say things all the time that speak death not life. We say things like: "This won't work", "I can't do this", "I'm so sick of this (or you)", "My marriage won't work", "My kids are bad, they won't listen, they don't love me" and many more things that are distructructive self talk. We have to stop that, right now.

When I said I wasn't poor, things were not the best financially for us. But I had to start saying things differently. No longer was it "I don't have any money" but it's "I don't have it right now". For some that might just be semantics but for me there was a promise in that. You see "right now" is just a fixed moment in time, but each day is a new day, a new promise in The Lord.

My dear hubby has alway been a man of faith. He never really gets down or out about anything. He always has these big visions or sees things past where we are right now. Our second home we built he found. He liked going around to the annual Homes Tours. He would go to different community's and see different home models, different builders, and different subdivisions. He saw a model he liked but really he thought oh she would love this. Then, loving a deal, he saw that the builder built in another town the same model, but the price was significantly less. So then he drags our son along, and my son (who was 4 at the time) says oh yes mommy would love this house.

It wasn't until I got the revelation myself and started confessing out of my mouth "I'm not poor anymore" could they show me the house. Any sooner I would have aborted this move of God. The power of life and death really is in your tongue and what you confess. So try it, confess a new thing, and don't be afraid of the ridicule. Members of my family still tease me today. "Ya that's right I forgot you're not poor anymore!". But that's ok because they are right, I'm not. I'm not, my husband's not. My son's not. My grandchildren will not be and their children after that will not be. That's okay if it starts with me, I can carry that burden. Will it start with you?

Prayer
Daddy God, we are just so grateful. Grateful for this day, grateful for your love, grateful for life, grateful for another chance to do your will. Father we ask you to govern our tongue and our words. Help us to speak life to all situations. Help us to not wallow in defeat, persecution, poverty, lack of money, love, or joy. God help us to speak victory, prosperity, more than enough, love, peace and joy. Help us to use right words and to see that we are more than an overcomer in all things because you live in us and you live through us. Help us to be the change we want to see and break generational curses that have had us bound. Lord we speak positively and definitively that today we, our husbands, our children, our grandchildren, great-grandchildren and the generations to come will no longer live under lack. We are mighty because you are our Redeemer, our Provider, our Father in Heaven. We ask these things, and believe it is so, in Jesus' name. Amen.

Back Money

Back Money

How often do we, women, hold back or hide money from our husbands. We are in essence stealing from our family. We are also creating a break in our relationship. Any time we with hold back, whether it is money, sex, or honesty, we are creating areas that we are saying I don't trust you enough with all of me.

Background 

I don't remember the first time I started taking a few dollars and putting it back, behind my checkbook, for just in case. You see I like, candy, Starbucks and shoes. I also love gizmos for the kitchen and electronics. At first it was my lunch budget money. I don't always eat lunch or if I do I might just pack a little something from home. Since it was my allotted money I felt I could do whatever I wanted. 

Then it started to be, I have to go to the ATM to make this deposit. Do I have another transaction, the message would ask, sure I do. $10 or $20 isn't going to be missed. Then I started having to dip into this money, I had put aside for me to splurge on, because our account was running low, to put a little gas in the tank or pick up a gallon of milk for our son. 

Then I was padding our account by $100, because my husband was using the debit card for things I hadn't budgeted for, so our account wouldn't be overdrawn. Then the last straw was I had stocks left over from some 401k that I was going to save back. Not tell him about because if I left him I would need something to start my new life over.

Insight

One day when my husband was watching Judge Brown, he spilled the secret on back money. My husband looked at me and I knew I was caught. I could have lied and minimized it but I came clean. Come to find out he had his own form of back money too. For him it was walking around money. He loves Craig's List. He would sell this or that, mostly watches, so he could buy another watch or some electronic gadget. He also collects loose change, which adds up. Turning that loose change into pocket money was his way of trying alleviate the need to withdraw from the bank account.

For me the back money was somehow something much deeper. I had come to believe I couldn't trust my husband, when it came to money. He was going to do something that would plunge us into financial ruin so I needed to have my own money set aside. He didn't need to know about it either, or he would waste it too. I really had to look at where these insecurities were coming from. I just didn't trust that God would keep us. I felt like I had do it all in my own strength. I also didn't believe my marriage was going to last. And because of that I needed a financial lifeboat. When I decided to jump ship I needed all my provisions in place.

Victory

Praise God jumping ship is no longer an option. While I still have back money, but it's not mine or his, it's ours. We openly tell each other how much money we have set aside. We now have a spending limit. We've determined a set amount we can spend independently and anything over that amount we talk about it with the other first. 

We don't have accounts or investments the other doesn't know about. We are on the same page but more importantly I no longer feel I need protect myself against him. I have learned to turn it over to God and let him fight my battles. Do we fall back into some of our old habits? Sure we do, but I have come to a place of maturity. I can talk to him about what I notice in myself or in him and we work through it together. The Bible says this, "How wonderful, how beautiful, when brothers and sisters get along!" Psalm 133:1 (MSG) Because we are not holding anything back from each other, we are working together. Life is so much easier when you have someone you can truely share it with.

We were speaking to a gentleman recently. He was sharing his desire to get his family's finances under control and get out of debt. He was saying how he was retired and on a fixed income and has very little left to work towards debt reduction, but that which he has he intends to use. There is just one obstacle, his wife. He said I know she has back money but she doesn't know I know. He said he notices when she asks for money for this or that and he tells her he doesn't have it. He says sure enough he will walk away and as he looks over his shoulder there she is pulling money out from wherever she stored it and she is counting it. They are not on the same page. He wants to help their family, but he needs a little help from her too.

Prayer

Heavenly Father, we thank you for the work you are doing in us. God you are maturing us and we are so grateful that you don't give up on us. God we just thank you for breaking our secrecy about money. Our withholding from our spouse. We thank you that we are becoming open and transparent with our spouse and this is one area we will not give a foothold to the devil. God we bring those thoughts into subjection that tell us I have to have my own money for this or for that. We say we are done with our mistrust and or insecurities. God we believe that we can and will work together with our spouse and our financial peace is coming, it's on it way. We believe it and decree it by the blood of Jesus. We ask these things in Jesus Christ's name. Amen.

Come On Let's Be Honest

Come On Let's Be Honest

I used to blame my husband for all our financial problems. You see I was good with money and he wasn't so it must have been his fault. But if I was really honest, I really was just as much at fault as he was.

Background

We got married young. I was 23 and he was 21, yep I'm older than he is. He was still in college and I had just finished. I had lived on my own but just barely, while he had lived in the dorms until we were married. I had a car payment, student loans, credit card bills, more than should be allowed, and was just starting to work full time. He was still in school, wasn't working, maxed out on student loans, and a couple credit cards.

We should have been honest with each other about our financial condition and I should have been honest with myself instead of thinking this debt was normal. I thought well I'm not as bad as he is, I have a job and I'm paying my bills. So what it I'm only paying the minimum balances, and all while creating more debt. My most irresponsible excuse was hey if he's spending money we really don't have why should I be responsible, I'm going to spend too. Then when our son came, I would use the excuse that the baby needed this and that. Being unsatisfied with my job would make matters worse, I would act impulsively. I made more than he did for about the first 7 years of our marriage. I thought that gave me license to do whatever I wanted to do. When I was not happy with my job for one reason or the other, I would just quit my job. I usually had another one lined up but it would take two weeks to a month to get the next paycheck. With no savings to speak of things would be tight again.

Then when things were tight I would blame him, yell at him, pout, act out or just give him the silent treatment. And when we bought our first house, still shaking my head on how that happened, things just got worse. The upkeep, not to mention furnishings, on a home is not something to take lightly. We did all the wrong things at the wrong time. I just thank God he had his hand over our lives.

Insights

My husband was not my enemy nor was he my child. I often treated him like both. Just because he's not doing right, or what I deemed to be right, doesn't mean I have to do wrong right along with him. And most importantly my husband as the head of our home has to be left to let God deal with him. If I am always intervening or exasperating the situation, I'm interrupting his growth, and God can not minister to him.

As women we put a lot on our husbands. We want him to be head, provider, protector, the fixer of all things broken, the slayer of all pests, our sounding board, our confidant, and encourager all at the same time. We want him to be all things, at all times, because of our deep seeded need to feel safe and secure. But while he's working to grow into the husband God has chosen him to be, we won't give him any slack. And with each mistake he makes, often we are there with our arms crossed, tapping our feet saying either I knew you couldn't do it or when are you going to get it together? All while we can be making it difficult for him.

Unless your husband has been married before, and if he has that obviously didn't work out well, marriage is a new and challenging experience for him. And when the children come, oh boy that's even more pressure.  If we as women aren't forgiving during the process or do things that make the situation worse, we will often prolong our family's time in the wilderness. How many of us have done destructive things like quit working without talking about it as a couple first or doing it anyway even after he says maybe not at this time. Maybe we hide purchases or open up credit cards he has no idea about. Some of us have hidden money from our husband we know could be better used to help get our family out of debt. We are actually working against him, not with him.

I am reminded of the verse "People ruin their lives by their own stupidity, so why does God always get blamed?" (Proverbs 19:3 MSG) Now our husband is not God but he is the mate that God blessed us with. So we in essence are acting like Adam in the garden when he says God it wasn't me who disobeyed you and ate the apple, it was this woman you gave me. When we don't do everything, and then some, that we as wives are suppose to to help get under control, keep under control, or fix financial issues we are to blame, not our husbands.

Take Away

When we blame others for our situation without doing anything to improve it, we are equally to blame. Blaming others is an attempt to absolve all responsibility for our actions. I know of a woman who's husband it would appear keeps creating situations that has their family going from one financial crisis to the next. It's exhausting and frustrating. She feels like they are constantly living under the threat of losing everything. However, she is not working consistently full time or even part time. Yes he has to start or continue to make wise financial decisions but without creating some additional income streams she is not helping to make the situation better. As she and I talked it through, she understood she has to do her part to make things better, it is not all on him.

Once we know we are doing our part, we must lay the situation at God's feet and only he can make it better. I once heard a Pastor say, when we are constantly talking about, complaining about, or pleading our case on how they are wrong we don't leave room for God to come and intercede on our behalf. We tie his hands. However, once we say God I'm sorry for my part in this mess we are in. Lord I give my husband, this situation and my fears to you. Lord show me what I can do to aid in alleviating my husband's stress. Lord show me where I can cut costs and/or increase income. When we start looking at our family's financial issues as our problems not your problems we become our husband's partner not his adversary.

Prayer

Heavenly Father. We thank you for our husbands. We thank you for what you have begun in them, but more importantly what you have begun in us. Lord we thank you for showing us our husband is not our enemy. Lord show us where we can be a help and not be a hindrance. Lord give us the strength to be transparent with our husband and confess our part in our financial distress. God help us to forgive our husbands and forgive ourselves. We lay our finances at your feet and we know you will give us victory. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen